Incidental Justice

The Braised Rabbit Incident

2012-01-15T20:41:00.000-06:00

Another post in Incidental Justice's series on cooking.

My parents got me the most absolutely fantastic cookbook for Christmas: Paleo Comfort Foods.

As soon as I got back to my house after the holidays, I started baking. I've tried out about a half-dozen recipes so far, and last Thursday, I decided that I would take on braised rabbit.

Now, I don't exactly know what it means to braise a rabbit, but it sounded all pioneer-like, so I was game. So I bought some raw rabbit meat:

Mmm...

And started browning it in the pan:

Hmm...

But to me, it didn't look quite right... I mean, raw meat isn't a big deal but OH GOD a liver just popped out of the pan A LIVER JUST POPPED OUT OF THE PAN!

Which led me to do this:

Yum...

And after about an hour and a half of hiding and cooking the meat, this was the end result:

Um...

Okay, it may be the ugliest dish I have ever seen in my entire life, but don't be deceived by looks. Even though it looks scary, I'm gonna rate the flavor a solid "it's not that bad."

Trail Run, or: How I Learned to Stop Whining and Love the... OMG THIS WAS THE WORST IDEA EVER!

2012-01-08T15:10:00.000-06:00

Another post in Incidental Justice's series on running.

For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to do a trail run yesterday morning. I'm not sure *why* I thought this would be a good idea. For a little bit of history, I "ran" in a trail race while I was in law school. And by "ran," I mean that I jogged about one-tenth of a mile then clung to trees while traversing the woods and praying that my ankle wouldn't turn. It took me an hour to finish. It was a three-mile course.

Yesterday morning, though, was going to be a real challenge - the trail was 10K. Actually, there was a 25K course, as well, and while I am stupid enough to run a 10K trail, I am not suicidal enough to run a 25K trail.

Granted, I didn't think I was being stupid by signing up for the 10K. I can run faster than I've ever run before, and I'm in heck of lot better shape than I've ever been, which means that I am now more irrationally conceited than I've ever been. So SHOOT, a 10K wasn't gonna be no thang. I got this.

I got it for about a mile. I mean, I *wanted* to do better, but I got to a point where I was thinking, "Gee, I don't know how much further I have to go so I think I'm just going to enjoy this nice jog through the woods and OH CRAP MY LEGS ARE GOING TO RIP OUT FROM MY BODY AND NO ONE WILL EVER FIND ME HERE BECAUSE I'M SO FAR BEHIND AND I WANT MY MOM!" So needless to say, I didn't run much for the remainder of the race. I *tried* a time or two, but I was hurting enough that I was about to say a word or two that wasn't Jesus approved, so I slowed down to a stroll.

I did manage to cross the finish line; however, I've spent a good portion of the weekend lying down, barely able to move. Perhaps in the future, I will be smart enough to stay away from the trail. For now, I will enjoy my excuse to stretch out on the couch and eat cookies.

Week in Review

2011-12-30T15:25:00.001-06:00

Alright, m'dears, you've gotten a healthy dose of me babbling about myself and my thoughts and my feelings and blah blah blah the last month... and the last thing I want to do is come across as self-absorbed (even if it's true). Therefore, in the spirit of looking outward, we're gonna chat about current events today. Hope you're ready to learn!

North Korea wants to suck your blood

Alright, so Kim Jong-il, "supreme leader" of North Korea, bit the dust a couple of weeks ago. Some reported that the cause of death was exhaustion. Some reported that Kim died of a heart attack. My money is on diarrhea or a yeast infection gone bad, but given the tightly-controlled media situation in North Korea, we'll probably never know.

Anyway, the higher ups decided that Kim's funeral would be the perfect opportunity to enhance North Korea's image. They decided the best way to do this would be to parade an oversized poster of their leader while women who attended the Jim Carrey School of Overacting "wept" in the streets. This all got great attention from the western media, so you're not learning anything new by me telling you this.

What's not getting that much attention is the rockin' commentary to accompany the funeral telecast. Which is tragic, because North Korea got COUNT DRACULA HIMSELF to narrate the event. Fast forward to 1:03:

That's kind of a big deal, North Korea. You might want to play that up a bit more. Can't go wrong with the ringing endorsement of a blood sucker.

Baylor wins Alamo Bowl

So I hear that this was a great game, but I refused to watch. It's just awful what that guy did to those kids, and I can't support it.

Tony Alamo
Founder of the Alamo Bowl

I hear that Heisman winner Robert Griffin III put on quite the show, and that he's increased his stock for the 2012 draft. But this is certainly tainted by the fact that such a terrible man organized... wait, what? Oh. Wrong Alamo. My apologies to Davy Crockett.

Iowa running out of frontrunners

Ohhh, get ready, all y'all political junkies out there, it's almost time for the Iowa Caucuses, heck yes it is. Iowa is being really fickle this year, according to polling data. There's been a new frontrunner every four days or so, and analysts think that this is because none of the candidates are really inspiring the voters. Or caucusizers. Or whatever they're called in Iowa.

Iowans prepare for the caucuses

Iowa is running out of frontrunners, and this is absolutely BAFFLING the television commentators, because they don't know who's going to win this thing. Let me give you my prediction, based on my expert analysis of every Republican Iowa Caucus in history: an old white guy will win. You can take that to the bank. Oh, and corn farmers will get some sweet moolah, too.

Sears and Kmart to close a heck of a lot of stores

GOOOOOD MORNING SEARS AND KMART FAMILY!

Ty Pennington, spokesperson for Sears

Looks like Sears and Kmart are shuttin' down 79 stores and that this number may even go all the way up to 120 once all things are said and done. But DON'T WORRY, employees! Sears spokesperson Ty Pennington, who also hosts a show called Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, has got a heck of a deal for you.

You see, each week on his show, Ty Pennington and his buddies change the life of a family in need by building them a BRAND NEW HOME. And you, newly-fired Sears and Kmart employees, will be the perfect candidates for this show! So send in your applications, folks, YOU could be the next contestant on Extreme Makeover!

Each week, not only do contestants get a BRAND NEW HOME, they get the latest, fanciest gadgets in their house free of cost! Now, let's ask ourselves: WHO has been be so kind and generous to provide all of these gadgets FREE OF COST for all these years?

Sears. You know, the place that just fired you. So even if you don't get selected for the show, it's okay. Take comfort in the fact that even though Sears just crushed your dreams, they're making someone else's come true.

I'll never be a superhero

2011-12-26T23:12:00.000-06:00

When I worked at the legal clinic at my law school, I seemed to be the student who was always getting the clients who cried. I'm not sure why it worked out that way, but it did. Some people were emotional because they had heartbreaking stories and had to overcome so much adversity. Some were simply tired and were releasing stress. Some... well, some I wasn't quite sure why they were crying, but that was always my cue to offer them a glass of water. Glasses of water were never the magic cure for stopping tears, but my trip to the kitchen to get the water gave my clients the opportunity to compose themselves outside of my presence.

I've graduated into a job where I encounter many of the same situations I was seeing in the clinic. I've become a champ at staying calm and composed, telling my clients step-by-step what we need to do to give them the best result, and assuring them that they don't need to feel embarrassed or ashamed about being upset. It's okay for them to be upset. But if they're upset to the point we can't continue the meeting... time for the glass of water. And then we move on.

I know darn good and well that I'll never be the one to stop a person's tears. I can fix the underlying legal problem, but the legal problem sometimes only scratches the surface of everything that needs to be fixed. My legal knowhow is not going to change a person's life or behavior. Each person has to live his or her own life as he or she sees fit.

And so I go to work every morning, hoping for the best but expecting nothing. Perhaps I will find out a client's life has changed for the better. Perhaps I will find out that a client has ignored my advice completely and is back at square one. Either scenario is likely. Neither scenario affects how I do my job. Like I said, I can't fix a person's life. However, if I can fix a small piece of it, it's a good day.

How to deal with a verbal bully

2011-11-23T07:35:00.000-06:00

I'm a professional woman who does professional things, and I try to act professionally when doing said professional things. However, not everyone in this world treats me with the same respect that I try to show them. Yep, even at the ripe ol' age of 26, people try to bully me. Unfortunately for me, I have to deal with this far more than I'd like. Fortunately for you, though, I've developed some tactics in dealing with verbal bullies that I'll share with you. So when a mean ol' so-and-so tries to verbally assault you, don't feel afraid, m'dears! Go show them how things are by using the following tactics:

Forget the last word - be sure to get in the first word: Here's the thing - bullies LOVE control. And as such, a verbal bully will likely start in with their abusive, demanding language right off the bat. But no, ma'am, I won't have any of that. The second someone tries to tear into me, I interrupt right then and there and let them know that's not how I roll. If someone is going to communicate with me, they sure as heck are gonna show some respect. And I let them know that in no uncertain terms.
Speak strongly: You've probably heard that in verbal confrontations, you should lower your voice, as the shouting party will typically follow suit. I tend to agree with that, with one other thing to keep in mind: just because you're speaking softly doesn't mean you can't speak with strength. This combination of lower volume but higher intensity comes in quite handy while negotiating in the courtroom before trial.
Redirect: A bully has an agenda. She thinks that the point of the conversation is letting her agenda be known and making you, the bullied, follow suit. Nothing could be more wrong. The point of the conversation, after you've gotten in the first word, is to let the bully know that you're not going to listen to what she has to say if she's going to be abusive about it. Bully will try to push her agenda again. Don't let it happen. If you let her push her agenda, then you're just giving her all the control. And you're too good for that, darlin', heck yes you are!
Lay it on thick: Okay, if the previous tactics work, then you can move on with the conversation. There's has to be a transition from the bullying to normal speak, though. I usually start out by saying something along the lines of "I understand you're upset, and I know you're just trying to work this out." No, I don't like to be nice to bullies, either, but there's no need to let ego get in the way of a peaceful resolution.
Walk away: Sometimes, none of these tactics will work. And that's okay. Don't feel the need to stick around and fight it out. There are *plenty* of times when I've said, "I don't care what you have to say," and walked away. Ohhhh that makes verbal bullies SO MAD. Fortunately for me, I usually do this A) over the phone or B) in the courtroom where I can subsequently hide behind a bailiff.

And if all else fails, you can kick the person in the groin.

Court Marathon Injury

2011-11-01T12:59:00.002-05:00

So when I woke up Monday morning and my foot was in excruciating pain, the first thought in my mind was "Man, I must have some badass injury from all this badass sprinting and badass heavy weightlifting I'm doing in my badass CrossFit class." And that would have made sense; even though I try to keep pretty good form, I push myself as hard as I can when I work out, and this was a pretty painful injury. It was painful enough that I had to take sick leave on Monday, which I don't like to do, but I'm sure my coworkers appreciated the fact that I left so I could whine to the doctor instead of to them.

Anyway, even though I was whining, I hobbled into the doctors office feeling all hardcore and stuff. It's been YEARS since I've had a sports-related injury, and though injury sucks, it'd be kind of awesome if the injury was a battle wound. The doctor came into the patient room, and I chatted about about all of the intense stuff I was doing. SO HARDCORE! Oh, and then I mentioned the fact that I had participated in a "Court Marathon" the previous week.

Now what is a "Court Marathon," you ask? I referred to last week as the "Court Marathon" because I had four days in court in four different cities. I've got to get all spiffy looking whenever I make a court appearance, and this includes wearing high heels. I'm not sure *why* women are supposed to wear heels to court. I guess that it helps me out in that instead of looking like a 16-year-old in a suit, I look like a taller 16-year-old in a suit. But that's not the point.

The point is that humans were not designed to be walking tiptoed all the livelong day, so instead of some hardcore sports-related injury, it turns out that I've got a dainty little injury from all of my high-heel wearing. Well, I say "dainty." Actually, I'm all medicined up now and I'm not allowed to do intense workouts or wear heels for a while. And when I walk, I look like a little old lady shuffling through Walmart while pushing a shopping cart. It's pretty glamorous, let me tell ya.

I guess the moral of the story is that you should never name something a "Marathon" unless you want to open yourself up to injury. I'll name my next big week in court something nicer. Like "Court is Awesome, Now Go Eat Some Cupcakes" Week.

Aggravation in the Workplace

2011-10-30T19:22:00.000-05:00

Okay, we all get a little aggravated at work. We can't always express these feelings of aggravation the way we want to, and leaving them bottled up inside can create all kinds of problems, such as, say, getting fired once the bottle is uncorked. Now, I suppose that if you get fired, then you won't be dealing with those workplace frustrations anymore. But then you're dealing with a whole other mess of problems, like not being able to sleep at night because you're forced to move into your parents' basement that scared the crap out of you when you were a kid because there were weird noises coming from it and it also smelled.

But OH THANK GOODNESS, none of this has to happen to you, my friend! Today, I'm going to share with you some of my favorite ways to tackle workplace aggravation in a positive manner. Believe me, they work. As a practicing lawyer, I've had *plenty* of opportunity to test these out.

Find your inner Care Bear - Remember the Care Bears? Those cute, cuddly little bears that had their own TV series? Yeah, they were pretty awesome. What is also awesome that there are about 67 different Care Bear characters now. And not every Care Bear is a frickin' ray of sunshine, personality-wise. When I am aggravated, I post a picture of one of those mean little Care Bears - usually Grumpy Bear - to my office-wide chat profile. At first glance, everyone thinks "Oh, what a cute bear!" but it's my way of passive aggressively yelling "AAAH GRUMPY GRUMPY GRUMPY GRUMPY!" to the entire office.
Ship frivolous stuff to your workplace - I absolutely love buying random, nonsensical stuff on the internet, and it's *so* much fun having it arrive at the office. Seriously, how can you have a bad day when a box filled with bandaids that look like bacon is sitting on your desk? It's impossible.
Lift heavy stuff - Every day when I leave work, I go straight to my local CrossFit box and lift heavy stuff. Now, I could lie to you and say that I CrossFit for the purpose of releasing aggression in a positive way, but really, I do it because I want to have abs and be a badass. HOWEVER, the release of workplace frustration is an added bonus. Come to think of it, CrossFit helps me throughout the work day, even when I'm not lifting; when I have a bad day at work, I can think to myself "Hey, at least I have sweet muscles now," and then I feel better.
When all else fails, eat ice cream - Look, I can try to be as positive as I want to be, but sometimes, a gal's gotta eat ice cream. I keep about three tubs of ice cream in the office freezer at any given time. Guess it's a good thing I'm going to CrossFit right after work.

Every now and then, none of these will work. And that's why God invented vacation days. I recommend using this time to go someplace with a beach, preferably one where someone will bring you umbrella drinks.

The Adventures of Princess Crankypants

2011-10-26T06:50:00.001-05:00

Dear person who thought it would be a good idea to call me at 3:00 A.M. on the dot:

Thank you for your phone call that I did not answer but that opened up my baby blues niiiice and early. I'm sure it was a super duper important call, even though you didn't leave a voicemail. I, too, love calling a person early in the morning when said person has court in the morning and needs to rest up and OMG I AM SO TIRED AND I CANNOT GET BACK TO SLEEP NOW RAWWRRRRRRRR!

You did motivate me to bake some 4 A.M. brownies, though. So thanks for that.

Smooches,
Princess Crankypants
a.k.a [Glutton for Punishment]

CURSE YOU, YOU NO-GOOD, TERRIBLE ... Oh, wait.

2011-10-09T15:00:00.002-05:00

As you may know, I am a big fan of makeup. So imagine my *delight* when I saw this coupon pop up on LivingSocial:

OMG CHEAP MAKEUP!!

Thirty bucks worth of makeup, all for the low price of FIFTEEN DOLLARS. E.l.f. cosmetics are SUPER cheap in the first place, so with $30 bucks of product, I could probably fill up the trunk of my car (assuming I cleaned it out first). In the spirit of bargainhood, I purchased my coupon and strolled on over to the e.l.f. website to fill my virtual shopping cart with all kinds of goodies.

I entered my coupon code, proceeded to check out, and...

Whaaaa?! Twenty dollars does not equal thirty dollars!! I WANT MY FULL THIRTY DOLLARS, RAWRRRR! I want this fixed, and I want it fixed NOW! So I logged into gmail and sent a friendly message to our friends at LivingSocial that went a little somethin' like this:

Dear LivingSocial:

I paid a lot of money for an e.l.f. cosmetics coupon, but those no-good, dirty you-know-whats have decided not to give me the full value of the coupon so now I AM MAD. Fix this this and fix this NOW. Pretty please :-)

Smooches,
[Glutton]

That was paraphrased, of course. Anyway, LivingSocial promptly sent an email back saying:

We're sorry that you're having trouble redeeming this deal! As stated in the Fine Print [emphasis added], the entire value must be used in a single transaction, so you must purchase at least $30 of products within one transaction.

You want me to read the fine print, LivingSocial? Do ya? I'm a friggin' attorney, I LIVE for fine print. You think I didn't take the time to read it? Because I DID.

LivingSocial clearly was not going to help me, so I decided to go straight to the man himself - e.l.f. cosmetics. I copy and pasted the email I sent to LivingSocial, sent it to e.l.f., and was prepared for BATTLE. DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME TO READ THE FINE PRINT, YOU JERKS, I know that...

Wait a minute.

Apparently, in my quest to read the fine print, I forgot to read the really big print. Remember this picture?

Notice how it says "Mineral or Studio Makeup"? Um, yeah. I'd filled part of my shopping cart up with non-Mineral and non-Studio makeup. Hence, zero discount on those products. So yeah.

I've finally calmed down from battle mode, I've fixed my shopping cart to be coupon-compliant, and I've sent a very friendly thank-you email to e.l.f. In the future, I will try not to let my vanity get in the way of my reading comprehension skills.

Postseason Promotions

2011-10-02T19:36:00.000-05:00

I like to be taken out to the ballgame. I like to be taken out with the crowd. I'm not the biggest fan of peanuts and Cracker Jack, but there are plenty of suitable replacements, such as nachos and the Royal'Rita. And when I can't go out to the ballgame, I'm perfectly content with watching it on TV, although heckling isn't nearly as fun when you're shouting at a screen.

Anyway, it's MLB postseason, which is my favorite time of year, despite the fact that my beloved Royals haven't made an appearance there in a while. Like any great sporting event, however, there are always ways to improve on the game experience and throw in a little more over-the-topness. So, in the spirit of improving on what is already awesome, why not adopt the following promotions in the MLB postseason?

Kraft Foods Sponsors Doubles - Ballparks everywhere have promotions associated with home runs. For example, you might win fried chicken or a Sonic drink if your team hits a home run in the 6th inning. And that's all well and good, but I want a prize when a double is hit, darn it. And I think this prize should be a nice, hot bowl of macaroni and cheese. Most delicious promotion EVER.
Fogerty Follies - MLB *loves* to show highlights, but it's seriously lacking in good ol' fashioned gag reels. Let's fix this by broadcasting bloopers on the Jumbotron. John Fogerty's "Centerfield" will be accompanying this reel, natch.
Bud Selig Dunking Booth - The name says it all. I'd be the first one in line. Sponsored by Miller Light.
Heckle the Sports Analyst - The only thing that ticks off a fan more than a bad call by an ump is a broadcaster or writer who gives a really lame analysis of the game or is *clearly* biased toward the other team. At the end of the 5th, let's just let everyone get their frustrations out. Send the analysts out to the pitchers mound, and just let everyone scream at them for a couple of minutes. See, now doesn't that feel better? Maybe if the fans can get that out of their systems at the game, they'll spend less time whining about it online.

I think these would be solid promotions. Hopefully, MLB will implement this next year, just in time for the Royals to make it back into the postseason.

Visitor

2011-09-16T10:00:00.001-05:00

One weekend when I was in first grade or so, I had a big girl weekend away from home. Mom helped me pack my little pink suitcase - okay, she packed the entire suitcase - and I was on my way to visit my childhood babysitter and her family in an itty bitty town a few hours east of where I lived. I stayed with them several times throughout my childhood, but the thing that made this particular trip memorable was my visit to church Sunday morning.

Church started with Sunday School, and because I was younger than everyone else I was staying with, I was in a different class than them. Fine by me. I wasn't a shy child. I may have been the "visitor," but I engaged in the conversation and had very important things to say. Like when the teachers asked us what we would do if we were at school and our parents forgot to pick us up? I boldly told them that this would not happen to me because my parents worked at school. And when they pressed me to answer the question anyway, I again boldly told them that this would never happen. I don't think they were happy about this, but I was an honest child, and that was the most honest answer I could think of.

Anyway, after that heated discussion, we did a craft. I'm not exactly sure why we were doing a craft. I have no other memory of ever doing a craft in every other Sunday School class I ever went to in my life. And I don't remember what this had to do with Jesus. But crafting it was, and I was enthusiastic about it.

It was a simple craft. We had to paste something red - maybe a construction paper apple? - on a sheet of black construction paper. I'm not exactly sure what it was supposed to be. But this was the super cool part - each person got to write her own name on the black piece of paper *in white crayon*.

...Except for me.

The Sunday School teachers, instead of letting me write my own name on the construction paper, wrote it down for me. I'm not sure why this was. I was *awesome* at writing. No backwards letters or anything. But the teachers handed me a sheet of black construction paper with a name already written on it, and they didn't hand me a white crayon. I was confused.

That wasn't the bad part, though; turns out the teachers didn't even write my name correctly. I don't have a difficult name, but they got it wrong. I was confused. And the name they wrote?

Visitor

Yep, I was "Visitor." I was very frustrated by this. I was a special, unique girl, and I don't know why I wouldn't get to write my real name on my craft. What was even more frustrating is they put the craft on the wall next to everyone else's, which made it even more obvious that I was the only one who didn't get to write my name in white crayon. I was perplexed.

Twenty years have passed, and I am obviously still perplexed by this. But that's okay, there's a nifty thing on my wall now with my real name on it - my diploma. Granted, I didn't get to write my name on there myself. But I think the fact that they wrote "Juris Doctor" after my name makes up for it.

What I saw on Friday

2011-08-21T20:19:00.001-05:00

The following is what I observed on Friday, August 19 - the day that the three criminal defendants more commonly known as the West Memphis 3 entered a plea agreement and were released from prison. I will not make any statements as to whether I think they are guilty or innocent. This is simply what I saw that day.

Because of the attention the media have given the West Memphis 3 case and the large following the accused have online, I assumed the Craighead County courthouse would be absolute madness the morning of August 19th - the morning that the WM3 would enter a plea agreement that would set them free from prison. I strolled by the courthouse about 9 A.M., and it was pretty lifeless outside. There was a parking lot full of media trucks, and police officers were walking all about the courthouse campus, but there was nothing lively or spirited going on. By that point, though, there was already a line inside the courthouse to get into the courtroom, so the most interested parties were no longer milling around outside.

About an hour later, the closed-to-public hearing was either happening or had already happened, and the activity outside had stirred up. The cameras, microphones, and crowd were gathered around one man. The father of one of the victims had opinions he wanted to share, and angry, ranting Arkansans rarely meet a camera that they don't like. John Mark Byers was appalled by the plea agreement; he thought the WM3 should not have to claim any guilt in the matter.

My interest, though, was not in the anger being spewed from the front of the courthouse. My interest was in two black, massive Mercedes vans parked outside the back of the old jail, right next to the courthouse. The area surrounding the vans was marked off by police tape. Two men in white shirts and black vests who appeared to be drivers were walking around inside the taped-off area, and some police officers were milling around as well. I assumed that these were the vehicles that would be whisking the defendants away from their prison lives, so I waited patiently while most of the action was still going on out front.

While I was waiting, I figured out what had happened inside the courtroom by checking twitter on my phone. The defendants had entered Alford pleas, and their sentence term would be the time served plus a suspended sentence. They would be walking out of the courtroom as free men.

As the news of the deal broke, the crowd that had been at the front of the courthouse was moving to where I was standing - they too were watching the Mercedes vans, waiting to see what would happen. A short man with a hoarse voice and a brand new Razorback shirt stood beside me and leaned against the wall. He told me he had to lean against the wall because his back was hurting so badly.

More and more police officers gathered around the vans. Seems every law enforcement officer in the county was there - even an officer with a D.A.R.E. shirt was standing around. A thin-looking young man with skinny jeans and a green blazer pushed his way up to the front of the tape next to me. He did not appear to be from this neck of the woods. He was talking on his cell phone. "Willy! Hey Willy! Turn around, I'm right here!" One of the drivers turned around, smiled and waved, and this young man and his entourage ducked under the police tape and made their way to the Mercedes vans. I hear the man will be playing Damien Echols, the man who was on death row, in a movie.

There was a lot of waiting after that. At one point, one of the drivers had to pop the hood of one of the vans, but whatever was malfunctioning apparently got fixed. The crowd started getting anxious and restless. The police officers told the crowd that they knew about as much as we did at that point; they were waiting, just like us.

Two of the police officers approached the man in the Razorback shirt who was leaning against the wall. "They've been looking for you," a sheriff's deputy told the man. "They want you out front." The man left. I still don't know who he was.

And then out came the celebrity supporters.

Eddie Vedder is a small man. He probably is as tall as me, doesn't weigh any more than me. He has an air about him, though - a confidence if you will. Perhaps the confidence that day was the result of millions of record sales and millions of dollars in the bank (and I wouldn't blame him for that). He came across, though, as man who'd taken care of business that day; he had a plan, he executed the plan, and he got the result he wanted.

Natalie Maines does not look like a country singer these days; she is tattooed and has hair about a half-inch long. She was smiling, but she came across bashful. "Thank you, Natalie!" a few supporters yelled to her, and she shyly but happily smiled and waved.

I looked for Johnny Depp. He was not there. I am still upset about that.

After the odd red-carpet-esque moment, there was more waiting. We watched as the police officers threw large bags into an SUV sandwiched between the two vans. An officer carrying a rifle joined the other officers and stood between the vans and the crowd.

And then crowd started roaring with cheers. Two of the WM3 were making their way to the vans. I did not see the third one; he apparently went out another door and left with his father.

I watched as the defendants walked out. Jason Baldwin looked relieved. And very, very happy. And exhausted. There was no emotion on Damien Echols's face, though. Echols lifted his hand and acknowledged the crowd. But there was no apparent happiness.

Everyone piled into the vans as the supporters in the crowd shouted "Freedom!" A police car escorted each vehicle away from the courthouse as the crowed waved and cheered.

I was silent, though, as the vans rolled away. All I could do was wonder - wonder what would be next for these men who had been behind bars for so long. I have no idea what awaits them, but I can only pray that they surround themselves with love and find peace.

Spark Week: JTT

2011-08-05T17:33:00.001-05:00

At the beginning of the week, Incidental Justice promised you that Spark Week would have more star power than Shark Week. Today, we are proud to unveil our celebrity spokesperson:

JONATHAN. TAYLOR. THOMAS.

Oh em gee, JTT, you were so adorable when I was growing up. And now you are a grown up hottie and that's just all kinds of AWESOME. And that's why you're our Spark Week spokesperson, even though you don't realize that you're actually our spokesperson yet.

So when JTT was a kid, he was on Home Improvement and it was, again, all kinds of AWESOME. He played the role of the middle child Randy, and he showed off his serious acting chops. JTT had complicated plot lines while Tim Allen was busy grunting. JTT wound up leaving the series so he could pursue other things, and the show was cancelled soon thereafter, probably because preteen girls had now lost all interest in the show.

While he still had his Home Improvement gig, JTT was also the voice of young Simba in The Lion King. And we all know that The Lion King was the best non-Pixar, non-princess movie that Disney has ever had. So after that, Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards decided to give JTT a lifetime achievement award. Yep, things were looking on the up and up.

Anyway, after The Lion King, he was in a movie with Devon Sawa called Wild America and AHHHHH Devon Sawa was *so dreamy*, too, so the movie was fantastic. Except for the fact that the movie was supposed to take place in Fort Smith, Arkansas but was filmed in Canada. And nobody in the movie had the Fort Smith accent down. And the writing kind of sucked. Okay, the movie wasn't that fantastic.

But JTT was.

After the the pseudo-Arkansas movie, our celebrity spokesperson appeared in a few films here and there. And then he appeared on some CW shows. And that's about it. But THAT'S OKAY, JTT, because we know what a talented, class act you are.

So thank you, JTT, for being Spark Week 2011's super kick awesome spokesperson. We hope that this launches big big things for you, or in the alternative, that it leads to an appearance on Dancing with the Stars which will then launch big big things for you.

Note: When I was a preteen, I actually had zero interest in Jonathan Taylor Thomas. This is because he had a mullett. Even at the tender age of 11 I knew that was bad news.

Spark Week: Naps

2011-08-04T19:08:00.000-05:00

Naps are better than sharks. I don't think anyone will argue with me on this point.

And now I will take a nap.

Spark Week: A Hammer

2011-08-03T09:01:00.001-05:00

Sharks are very useless. Hammers are very useful. Therefore, hammers are better than sharks. Let's make some comparisons.

Need to hang up a painting?
Hammer: Drives a nail into the wall so the painting can have something to hang on.
Shark: Will bite the painting, then it will bite the wall, then it will bite your arm off. So there was really no point in paying to have the painting framed.

Need to remove a nail?
Hammer: Removes nails.
Shark: Swims by the nail and ignores it. Snob.

Need to fit something into a portable tool box?
Hammer: Fits in the tool box.
Shark: Eats the tool box. Perhaps a baby shark could fit in the box, but then you're just stuck with a fish inside of a tool box.

But what about swimming? HA! I got you, [Glutton], I got you SO GOOD! SHARK WEEK 4EVER IT IS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE OMG OMG OMG!
Okay, I have an answer to this one. In terms of usefulness to me, a hammer actually wins out. If my ship is sinking, and I'm stranded in the middle of an ocean and need help swimming to safety, the likelihood that I can hop on a swimming shark and swim back to land is slim. However, I can use the hammer to repair my ship, and then the ship can swim me safely back to land, thanks to the hammer.

So HA, shark fans! I got you SO GOOD! SPARK WEEK 4EVER!

Spark Week: DINOSAURS!

2011-08-02T07:50:00.000-05:00

RAWWWWR! (c)

Forget sharks. Dinosaurs were the original badass. The masses may be oooh-ing and ahhh-ing over some fish flopping around in the water this week, but we all know that our buddy Jaws ain't got nothin' on the reptilian legends. Back in the day, dinosaurs would destroy you 20 different ways and then destroy you ALL OVER AGAIN. And then they would go "RAWWWR!" because they were awesome.

For those of you Shark Week cultists who are saying, "But [Glutton]! Sharks are soooo much better because dinosaurs aren't even alive anymore and sharks are still here and they're evolutionarily superior and clearly you are wrong and SHARK WEEK OMG OMG OMG," I hear what you're saying, but you're so, so wrong. I mean, sharks got to be all cozy in their magic "Under the Sea" land while dinos were braving the harsh, harsh elements. Hardly a fair comparison.

But if you're going to disagree with me, let's just go ahead and put them head to head for comparison. Let's just say a shark and a dinosaur happen to meet up in a dark alley one day. Who are you going to put your money on to win the fight? The fish? Or are you going to put your money on the running, spitting, clawing, biting, whip-your-butt-and-then-whip-someone-else's-butt-just-because-it-can reptile? Yeah, that's what I thought.

If you're still disagreeing with me, then clearly there is nothing I can do to help you...yet. Just wait until Jurassic Park becomes a real life thing in a few years. And then we can actually put a shark and a dinosaur in a dark alley and see what happens.

Spark Week: Howdy Doody Looking Nimrod

2011-08-01T07:42:00.001-05:00

I'm sorry, why would anyone spend time watching Shark Week when jewels like this exist on the internet?

Man, I miss Rep. Berry.

Spark Week: Wax Museums

2011-07-31T19:59:00.003-05:00

Ohhh Discovery Channel, you thought you'd make Shark Week all fancy this year by getting Andy Samberg involved as "Chief Shark Officer," didn't you? Well guess what. We here at Incidental Justice are going to one up Shark Week with even more star power than Andy Samberg and even more terror than a shark can create.

Welcome to Spark Week 2011, where we're kicking off things with just about the most horrifying thing we can think of: Wax Museums.

The Wax Museum revolution was born sometime around 1777, when France-native Marie Tussaud up and decided one day that she was going to create a wax statue of Voltaire. She was very pleased at the result, as she managed to make something that looked not quite alive, not quite dead, and spooky as all getout. After realizing that little kids and adults alike were creeped the heck out by this figure, our good ol' buddy Marie thought to herself "Well shoot, why stop there?" and embarked on a mission to make people pee their pants out of fright for generations to come.

Marie continued building wax statues, and in 1802, she turned her wax statue collection into a museum in London. And then a bunch of stuff happened after that, but to make a long story short, we're stuck with crappy wax museums in places like Branson, Missouri and Hot Springs, Arkansas these days. This is because most of us are suckers and think it's a good idea to pay 10 bucks to go see art that's not only spooky but also really, really bad.

Now, because most of us are suckers, we get the privilege of seeing absolute gems at wax museums such as our 39th President:

Jimmy Carter, Axe Murderer

And the 12 Disciples:

OMG WHY IS HIS NECK IS DETACHED
FROM THE REST OF HIS BODY?!

You never know what celebrity you might see at a wax museum. And you never know if one of them is going to be looking at you kind of funny even though you *swear* it was looking in the other direction just a few minutes ago and OH SWEET GOODNESS MAKE THE SHIRLEY TEMPLE STATUE GO AWAY I THINK SHE'S COMING AFTER ME.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that wax museums are campy. And kind of macabre. And you're probably wasting your time and money by visiting one of these museums.

However, never forget: An afternoon wasted at a wax museum is ALWAYS better than an entire week wasted on sharks.

Second annual Spark Week

2011-07-29T12:23:00.000-05:00

The fun begins next week. Get excited.

Good call, Sam's Club.

2011-07-25T21:02:00.000-05:00

Be it ever so humble.

2011-07-21T20:55:00.002-05:00

I haven't been to my hometown in about eight years. I don't really feel bad about it. I didn't graduate from high school there; I went to a residential high school hours away. My parents haven't lived there since my freshman year of college. I have a few friends there, but I usually meet up with them elsewhere. I guess I just don't have much of an emotional attachment to my hometown, and it's not a big deal to me.

The one thing I've always missed about my hometown, however, is my house. My parents worked years and years to turn the house into a "home" - my Mom always had wonderful ideas for each room, and she and Dad turned those ideas into a beautiful, unique combination of rooms. The dining room was my favorite - the walls were painted with a stencil pattern that Mom created. My parents planted trees throughout the yard, which made it look like a little park, and every year we picked pears from one of the trees. It was a lovely home, full of love and laughter, and I have nothing but happy memories there.

My best friend lived down the street from me back in the day. God bless her - she's such a wonderful, fun person, and she's probably the reason I was able to make it through those awkward junior high years with minimal emotional scarring. Anyway, we're still friends, and she texted me a picture the other day with the caption "Sad."

She wasn't kidding.

The picture was of my childhood home with a "FOR SALE" sign in front. The garage doors were boarded up. The tree my parents had planted in the front yard was chopped down. The flower beds my mom had worked so hard on were gone. The grass was dead. When I saw that picture, it was the first time I'd gotten emotional about my hometown since moving away. I'm angry that anyone would ruin the house my parents worked so diligently on to turn into a home. And I'm sad.

However, though I am sad, I am very thankful. My parents did such a wonderful job of giving me a happy childhood, and the reason I am so attached to that beautiful home is the memories. Dad played the banjo in the living room while I danced. Mom and I whipped up some fabulous chocolatey desserts in the kitchen. And one time, Mom and Dad let me have a drink in the dining room that I specially requested - a combination of milk, orange juice, and water. Actually, I remember that tasting pretty nasty, but it seemed like a good idea at the time, and Mom and Dad were nice enough to play along.

Anyway, I just want to say thank you, Mom and Dad. Thank you for turning that house into a home that I will always love and remember. I'll always have happy memories there because of your love.

$5 Fun, Y'all!

2011-07-20T19:32:00.001-05:00

A day is only as boring as you let it be. The other day, instead of falling into the wretched abyss of boredom, my friend Megan and I decided to borrow an idea from Ross Mathews - the "$5 Fun" game! There are several ways you can play this wholesome, fun-for-the-whole-family event, but rules of our $5 Fun game were as follows:

1. You must make a gift for the other person

2. The materials to make the gift must be purchased at Hobby Lobby during a 30-minute window

3. You must spend less than $5 on the materials

4. Everything you buy and create must be an ABSOLUTE SECRET until the gift swap

And so began our afternoon.

Megan is really creative and good at artsy type stuff, and I knew that whatever she made would be fabulous. And sure enough, it was - in an evil kind of way. For her lovely $5 gift, she created...

A SPARKLING HOUSTON NUTT PIG:

Megan and I are not the biggest fans of Houston, but I am a BIG BIG fan of this representation of him. At first I was going to call him "Sparkle Nutt," but then I went with a more G-rated "Houston Pigg." He is now sitting in my office at work.

Of course, I had to create something dazzling for Megan, too. She's getting married very soon, and the best way to show how happy I am for her - and more importantly, show her what a good friend I am - is to make something fantastic that she can use in her wedding. So I take a few small items, add a little bit o' sparkle, and we get....

A LOVELY WEDDING CAKE TOPPER:

I fully expect that I will see this on top of the cake at the wedding reception.

For the record, I only spent $3.19 on the cake topper, as there was a 50% discount on the smoochin' birds that I didn't know about before checkout. If I had known I had some extra dough, I'd have probably made the cake topper glow in the dark. My friends deserve only the *classiest* presents, after all.

KICK 'EM OUT!

2011-07-12T20:56:00.000-05:00

Facebook suggested a nifty little website to one of my coworkers. It's called "Kick 'em out quick," and it claims to be an attorney network that will help you kick out your tenants and take their money. This is what the logo looks like:

Based on the logo, this is what I can gather: After you contact this vast attorney network, one of the attorneys will contact a giant. But he's not just any giant - he's a special ninja giant who can kick really high. The special ninja giant will come to the home where the naughty tenants live and KICK THE ROOF OFF THE HOUSE, which will make the tenants want to leave. And then, since the roof is no longer there, the special ninja giant can look down into the house, grab the money he sees, and hand the money over to you. You can then use that money to put the roof back on your house.

Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. I don't understand why I can't contact the ninja giant directly, but I'm not going to question it.

How to pass the bar exam without even trying

2011-07-10T21:29:00.001-05:00

Okay, the title of this post is complete crap. There is no way you can pass the Arkansas bar exam without trying.* I just wanted to get your attention, mainly because I like attention. And also because I have something important to say.

This post is for everyone taking the bar exam this month. You have been studying for weeks. You are tired of studying. You are tired of the law. You are tired of people - BarBri lecturers, bar examiners, friends. You are just plain tired. And every outsider is saying "Oh, you're smart, you'll pass!" and that doesn't make you feel better, it makes you feel worse, because you *don't* know if you're going to pass and AHHH STOP TELLING ME I'M GOING TO PASS YOU'RE STRESSING ME OUT I NEED ANOTHER CUPCAKE!!!

To you, my dear friends, I tell you this: This all sucks. It sucks real bad. And I'm not going to tell you that you're going to do a great job, because I don't know that. In fact, you might get the lowest score in the history of the bar exam for all I know. However...

No matter how miserable or worried you are right now, don't let me or anyone else tell you what you need to be doing these last two weeks leading up to the exam. People will want to give you last minute advice - and be gracious, because they really are trying to help. Don't feel the need to take that advice, though. You may not know the law, but by gosh, you know you. You've been doing what you're doing for two months, so go ahead and do what works for you. If you're confident in nothing else, be confident that you've prepared to the best of your abilities. And if you do feel the need to freak out, go get some chocolate. It makes everything better.

Okay, that's all I've got. Go knock the heck out of that wretched, wretched exam, m'dears.

*Notice how I said you can't pass the *Arkansas* bar exam without trying. Missouri had a ridiculous pass rate last year of like 90%. I'm not saying you can pass that exam without trying. But I'm not saying that you can't, either.

Big day! HUGE day!

2011-07-05T21:02:00.000-05:00

Today is a monumental day in my legal career. Not because I won a hard-fought case. No, m'dears. Today, I moved into a corner office, heck yes I did.

Now, it's not like this corner office gives me a fantastic view, but I'm pretty dang excited. For the entirety of my attorney career, I've had the very first office next to the firm's front entrance. And while that would make it easier to sneak in if I were running a few minutes late - which, of course, I would never do, especially because I keep chocolate in my office and none at home so that gives me extra motivation to get to work because sometimes you just need chocolate - it had its downside.

You see, when you're the first attorney people see when they walk in, those people expect you to give them the direction they need. And by that I mean they want directions to the restroom.

"Oh my, this isn't the bathroom," I'd hear at least twice a week as someone wandered into my office. No, ma'am, this is not the bathroom, but please enjoy all of Razorback memorabilia now surrounding you. And sometimes I would direct them to the door right after mine, which I quit doing because that door actually led to an attorney's office, too, and not a restroom (whoops).

So yes, in my 10th month of practicing law, I have taken a huge step forward in my career by moving away from the front door. That's not to say I don't love visitors - if you ever swing by my firm, please feel free to stop in my office and say hello. I'll even offer you chocolate. You're on your own if you want to find the restroom, though.

Dear Hot Springs:

2011-06-29T12:36:00.000-05:00

If you want show off the fact that a former president grew up in your darling city, you might want to make sure he doesn't wind up looking like a washed-out meth head:

A few thoughts

2011-06-28T20:57:00.000-05:00

Don't get me wrong - I work hard at my job. However, I am not one of those attorneys who can spend 18-hour days in the office, rotting in some basement doing research for a partner in a tall-building firm whilst dreaming of the day when I will be allowed to come up for air. No ma'am, I want to have a life rich with fun and amazing experiences, and I can't do that if I'm a BigLaw slave. I want to have a fantastic life, so I make time to do things that are full of love, happiness, and sometimes cupcakes, too.

In my quest to have a rich life, I am also trying to make it a priority to show others love and kindness in all things that I do. I'm not always good at that. If you've ever interacted with me early in the morning and I haven't consumed a beverage chock full o' caffeine, you REALLY know that I'm not always the best at being kind. I usually try not to say anything to anyone in the morning just because God only knows what cranky nonsense will come from my mouth. But that's not the point.

The point is this: Just as Christ showed his love to the world, I want to show love to each and every one of you. You are an important, fantastic person, worthy of love. And I love you a whole lot.

So if you're having a bad day - heck, if you're having a good day - know that you are so, so loved. You are loved unconditionally. And you are loved abundantly.

Even when you're ornery or difficult, I still love you. And I'll still try to show you love. I'll be showing you *tough* love, of course. But I think that counts.

Stress Relief

2011-06-26T15:33:00.003-05:00

Being a lawyer is stressful. I usually try to remedy stress by sitting on the couch for hours, watching reality TV shows that aren't quite as bad as Jersey Shore but that are still really, really bad, and lying around in a pile of chocolate wrappers and empty ice cream bowls. And sometimes when I'm *really really* stressed, I'm surrounded by empty containers of Ben and Jerry's because transferring ice cream from its original container to a bowl takes too much time because OMG I NEED THE ICE CREAM RIGHT NOW DANG IT I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR SOCIAL CONVENTIONS PASS ME THE CHUNKY MONKEY.

But none of that this time, no ma'am. I am going to release my stress in a nice, healthy way, because I am a strong, independent woman who doesn't need trashy TV or empty calories to be happy. So instead of taking the usual route, I have decided that I will take out my frustrations with good ol' fashioned exercise, because a healthy body makes a healthy mind. Plus, sometimes during workouts, you get to punch things. And that's nice, too.

So I decided to start out my exercise plan on Friday morning with a nice little trip to my local CrossFit box. If you are not familiar with the CrossFit training plan, I like to describe it like this: You lift weights til you want to pass out, you run til you want to pass out, you do chin ups until you want to pass out, but you stop before you actually pass out. Except this one time, I actually did pass out, and I was sprawled out on the floor and all I could say to the trainer was "I promise I'm not being overdramatic" and then I was out cold. But other than that, it's really great. You only have to do about 20 minutes of exercise a day and that's kind of fabulous.

On Saturday, though, I was out of town, so my friend Megan suggested I go to Jazzercise with her. And after a day of CrossFit, I figured this would be a fun little way to break a sweat without going through the Pass Out Factor of Crossfit. So I rocked some toe taps. I rocked some grapevines. I rocked that whole Jazzercise workout, heck yes I did.

Unfortunately, because I mixed workouts, I'm a nice little knot of sore muscles and limited mobility now. As a result, I have been lying on the couch for hours, surrounded by food wrappers. It's *almost* like my typical stress relief routine. However, I am not watching reality TV. But that's only because I'm too sore to reach the remote control.

What an attorney does in her spare time

2011-06-05T08:56:00.000-05:00

This:

June is Awareness Month

2011-06-02T17:53:00.003-05:00

Every month we are told we need to be "aware" of something - cancer, psoriasis, termites with rheumatoid arthritis, you name it. Though these Awareness Months are supposed to be monthlong celebrations, the only way I think they are celebrated is through pamphlet distribution. Perhaps the occasional 5K race, too.

Well dang it, I for one think there needs to be a little bit more party in these Awareness Months. I've listed what we need to be aware of in June - not making these up, these are totally legit Awareness Months - and how I plan to celebrate. Oh heck yes.

Potty Training - Give myself an M&M treat every time I have to go to the ladies' room.
Dengue Fever - Throw a backyard barbecue with citronella Tiki torches. Lots of them.
Scleroderma - You know who promotes scleroderma awareness? BOB. FRIGGIN'. SAGET. That's who. Hellooooo Full House marathon.
Children - I didn't realize that some people weren't aware of children. Guess I'll throw a party at Chuck E. Cheese and call it a day.
Goat Trauma - ???
Cancer From the Sun - Shoot, I don't want cancer from the sun! I'll spend all the time I would've spent outside in tanning beds instead.
Home Safety - Light a bunch of stuff on fire in my apartment to see if the smoke alarms are working.
False Allegations - I've got a way to celebrate False Allegation Awareness. It's called "going to court."

Party on, y'all!

Glutton F. Punishment, Esq.

2011-05-31T19:57:00.001-05:00

Lawyers love their middle initials, and they love signing those initials on every single court document or letter they've ever sent. I've never used mine during my career. However, from now on, I'm going to say my middle initial is a drawing of a cupcake. Whereas most lawyers have signatures that look like this:

Mine will look like this:

If I have time to write it out extra pretty, it will look like this:

If I'm running low on time, I'll just write this:

And if I'm hungry, I will write this:

Things that don't belong on Facebook

2011-05-30T19:58:00.000-05:00

Okay, my local news station *loves loves loves* to run stories about the DANGERS of Facebook and how our lives are going to be ruined because Facebook is going to infect our computers and minds with filthy thoughts and cause us all to have affairs. Stories like these are dramatic and unnecessary. If you're going to run a news story about Facebook, please make it about something useful and tell people to stop posting the following:

Pictures of your baby's 4D ultrasound - Pictures of babies are cute. Pictures of your baby's 4D ultrasound are creepy. My typical response to anything creepy-outy is to shut my eyes and curl up in fetal position, but anything "fetal" makes me think of the horrifying ultrasound pictures again. If you're going to post an ultrasound picture on Facebook, make sure it's the old-fashioned kind. I've never been able to see the babies in those.
Your LSAT score - If you post your score online, your classmates will find it, and they will make fun of you for it, no matter how high or low your score was. I don't make the rules. I just follow them. *shrug*
The amount of alcohol you consumed last night - Actually, I shouldn't say that you should never post that. If someone posted "I had a half glass of wine lass night and did not feel and any adverse side effects related to the consumption of alcohol," I'd probably give it a thumbs up.
The amount of alcohol your friend consumed last night - He's probably hungover and cranky as is, but if you post "Wow u were so wasted last nite!" to his wall and ruin his chances of getting that job, he'll still be hungover, but his crankiness will be directed at *you*. Ohhh watch out, y'all.
How you feel about your boyfriend any given moment - Today I'm not sure if your boyfriend is a "jerkface lying scumbag poophead" or an "OMG HONEY i luv u sweetie xoxo," so I'm just going to assume that yesterday's "no longer listed in a relationship" post will change in about a week, when you will be back "in a relationship with jerkface lying scumbag poophead."

Any other suggestions?

Dine Like a Lawyer

2011-05-15T19:55:00.005-05:00

I'm not saying I'm the world's greatest chef or anything, but I do know how to make a meal or two. Because I love cooking so much, I'm going to share some of my favorite recipes with you today. After all, everyone should be able to dine like a lawyer!

Mac 'n' Cheese with a KICK!

Ingredients:

1 box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese

4 tbsp. Chipotle Tabasco

Instructions:

Follow the instructions on the box. Then add the tabasco to the macaroni. Remember - if you do anything to your meal that isn't specifically spelled out on the box, you can totally count it as your own special and unique recipe. Except this recipe, of course, because it's mine.

Serves 4

Glutton's BBQ Chicken Delight
Ingredients:
1 chicken breast
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. garlic powder
1/4 c. barbecue sauce
Instructions:
Sprinkle the salt and garlic powder on the chicken breast. Grill the chicken breast, either in a nonstick cooking pan or - my favorite - a George Foreman grill. Grill chicken thoroughly. Let chicken cool. Taste chicken. Realize that the salt and garlic powder had the flavor equivalent of soft water. Dump barbecue sauce on chicken to make up for lack of flavor. Wish that you had gone with KC Masterpiece instead of the generic brand. Quietly suffer through dinner.
Serves 1

Super Mega Terrific Sandwich
Ingredients:
Two slices of sandwich bread
Whatever is lying around in your refrigerator that hasn't expired
Instructions:
Put one slice of bread on a plate. Pile your non-expired food on top of the slice of bread. Place the other slice of bread on top of that. Toast sandwich in the toaster oven for two minutes. Slice in half to serve. Note: Depending on how long it's been since I've gotten a paycheck, sometimes my Super Mega Terrific Sandwich consists only of two slices of bread and a kosher pickle.
Serves 1

Old-Fashioned Oatmeal
Ingredients:
1 c. Oatmeal (The non-instant kind. Longterm oatmeal, if you will.)
2 c. Water
Instructions:
Put the oatmeal and water in a pot. Put the pot on the stove. Turn up the heat on the stove. Let the water/oatmeal mixture bubble for a while. Watch Good Morning America in the living room while it's cooking. Don't worry about keeping up with the time while it's cooking. Smell the scent of charred oatmeal wafting through the house. Yell "OH CRAP IT'S BURNING AGAIN" while running back into the kitchen. Remove the pot from the heat. Scoop out the non-crispy oatmeal and enjoy!
Serves 1-2, depending on how long you were watching GMA

Case of the Mondays

2011-05-03T08:11:00.001-05:00

Soooo a fight broke out in the courtroom Monday morning. I didn't actually *see* the fight. I was in an adjacent, closet-sized witness room meeting with my client. I could hear most of what happened though. It started out with angry, belligerent shouts from a man inside the courtroom. This was followed by several loud thuds on the floor, like bodies were hitting the ground. After this was a pained scream from the belligerent man. All of this I heard while crouched on the ground under a table beside my client because we didn't know what was going on. We just sure as heck knew we didn't want any part of it.

The noises continued into the hallway. I heard several pairs of shoes shuffling in the hallway, along with the belligerent man yelling "YOU CAN CALL MY MOM! YOU CAN CALL MY DAD!" This continued for several minutes. After the sounds died down, I unlocked and opened the door and peeked my head out.

I finally walked into the courtroom, and it was as if nothing had happened. So, of course, I had to ask what had happened. Based on eye-witness reports, this is what I can gather:

A defendant got mad at a bailiff who asked the defendant to take his hat off. The defendant was not pleased. The defendant did not take off his hat. The bailiff told him to take it off again. The defendant then decided he wanted to punch the bailiff.

The other bailiff tried to intervene, but the defendant knocked both bailiffs on the ground. One of the attorneys in the courtroom decided to help the bailiffs in case the defendant lunged for a gun. However, defendant decided he was just going to mosey on out of the courtroom. Enter taser. Or stun gun. I'm not exactly sure. All I know is that the dude wound up on the ground.

This moved into the hallway, and bailiffs from all 'round the courthouse came to help the cause. Belligerent man wasn't having any of that. He yelled a lot. I haven't quite figured out why he wanted everyone to call his parents. But he wanted everyone to call them, darn it.

I told a few of my friends about what happened. One asked me if the guy was held in contempt. I think contempt will wind up being the least of his problems.

And that was my morning in family court.

Baby, it's cold inside

2011-04-07T12:33:00.000-05:00

Is there a universal rule out there that says that all law offices have to be kept at low enough temperature to keep raw meat from spoiling? Holy crap it's cold. This is the third law office I've worked in, and this is also the third office where I've had to bring in extra reinforcements (electric blanket, space heater, etc) to make sure I don't turn into a lawyercicle. Or barristercicle. Whatever.

These days, I keep two Snuggies (sleeved blankets) in my office that I use on an almost constant basis. It's a bit awkward when a client walks in unannounced and I look like I'm celebrating a snow day at home instead being a lawyerly lawyer who does lawyerly things. But a cold lawyer is a cranky lawyer, and *nobody* likes a cranky lawyer. Heck, most people don't even like the uncranky ones, so I don't need that working against me.

Fortunately, seeing that the seasons are changing, maybe the office temperature will change as well. I'm willing to bet that the office will still be kept at a temperature that is more igloo-esque than I prefer. But maybe I'll be able to cut my Snuggie usage down to one.

The Gap Period

2011-02-16T18:57:00.003-06:00

It's the worst time of year. It starts in early January. It ends in mid-February. It sucks. I like to call this time "The Gap Period." You will never find me as miserable as I am during The Gap Period. I complain. I whine. I curl up in fetal position and secretly wish that time would just roll forward.

During The Gap Period, I don't know how I will occupy my time. Everything I've cared about for the rest of the year is gone. Sure, there is plenty of hype about life post-Gap, but I think the hype makes things worse. It just taunts me. It reminds me of the way I want things to be, but those things cannot be. Not yet.

You see, in the beginning of January, college football season ends. Mid-February, college baseball begins. And during that in-between time, there is no sporting event taking place that I actually care about. And that's a very, very unhappy place for me to be. The Gap Period wouldn't have to exist, but unless the Hogs play some exciting basketball again, it will still remain. So for now, I endure. And eagerly await opening day at Baum Stadium.

Panic Shopping

2011-01-09T20:55:00.019-06:00

It's that time of year, folks. If you haven't bought milk, eggs, shotguns or toilet paper today, let's hope that you're not needing any in the near future, because it's snowstorm time in the South. And snowstorm time in the South means that you need to PANIC PANIC PANIC and buy enough supplies to last you seven months, because you never know how long the wintry weather advisory is going to last. Not that I'm not making fun of people who panic shop. I used make fun of them, but I stopped doing that after I failed to prepare for the Great Ice Storm of '09 and was forced to eat a can of frosting for dinner.

Anyway, I did all my panic shopping this morning, and I'm sure I bought enough to payroll a Walmart employee for a week. Unfortunately, my town has missed the blizzard so far. So while I'm thrilled for my friends across the South who are texting me with "OMG SNOW THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER NEXT TO SHARK WEEK YAY THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY AWESOME" type messages, I'm constantly peering out the window to see if a flake of snow will hit the ground.

I have a feeling that I will be looking out the window all night long, only to find out that I will not get the snow day I want. This means I will have to drive to work a miserable woman tomorrow, aggravated that I did all this preparation for nothing, and then I'll be cranky the rest of the day. And that's just all kinds of bad. So please, snowstorm, hurry up and get here. I don't want my cabinet full of canned tuna to be for naught.

In re Kansas City Royals

2010-12-28T22:34:00.004-06:00

One Sunday many, many years ago, I was sitting in children's church. I don't remember exactly how old I was, but we'll go with "itty bitty."

It was prayer request time. We got to take turns telling what we wanted to pray about that day. It was a big deal - prayer requests were to be about things near and dear to our hearts. Most of the kids had prayer requests about their parents, grandparents, and friends. Every now and then, a little kid would throw in a request about a pet.

It was my turn to make a prayer request. It was my time to talk about something near and dear to my heart. I solemnly told the children's church teachers that Bo Jackson was hurt and that he had to get surgery. I told them that when he came back to baseball, he would only be 60%.

When it was prayer time, all of the children got in a circle and held hands. We went around the circle and made our prayers. When it was my turn, I sincerely asked God to help Bo Jackson, because he got hurt and he would only be 60%.

A few of the older kids giggled during my prayer. I didn't understand why anyone would laugh about that.

---

A couple of Sundays ago, I found out that Zack Greinke, ace pitcher for my beloved Royals, was traded to the Milwaukee Brewers. The news hit me hard. I can't say I was surprised. I was just disappointed. And ticked. I mean, it's one thing to lose a Cy Young winner, but he was traded for a bunch of no-names. That's kind of what the Royals organization does. They develop stars, and then they piss them away for prospects with sub-par fielding and .231 batting averages (if they're lucky). It's the same ol' song and dance year after year, and the dance, at its best, is on Bristol Palin's level of proficiency.

And you know, I'm really getting tired of watching a terrible team every season. I may have false hope, but I'm not delusional. I've never seriously entertained the thought of leaving the Royals, but I came darn close the few days after the trade.

However, as I was driving home the other day, "Centerfield" started playing on the radio. And immediately, I remembered what it was like to listen to this song in Kauffman Stadium, home of the Kansas City Royals. God, what a magical place. I've always said that Kauffman Stadium is the happiest place on Earth, even when the Royals are losing. And even though the Royals lose a lot, I feel like a giddy little kid every time I watch them play.

In my a job as an attorney, I have to see a lot of the bad that exists in the world. Baseball, however, takes me takes me away from that place and brings me the delightful memories of childhood, when I got to cheer on my heroes and eat cotton candy until I got sick (apparently, it did not take much cotton candy for that to happen). The world has a lot of hurt, but on baseball's worst day, the biggest thing I have to worry about is Bo Jackson being only 60%.

For now, I am still a Royals fan. And I will root root root for them, the home team, every single time. If they don't win, no one's surprised. But I'll root for them, just the same.

How to Prep for Trial

2010-11-29T21:47:00.000-06:00

As the outdoor air is transitioning from a mild breeze to a sharp chill, I am reminded that the semester is about to come to an end for law students everywhere. I am reminded of this not because of the weather change, though, but because the law school kiddos have started back up with their "OMG FINALS THEY'RE GOING TO BE HERE SO SOON I MUST GO HIDE FOREVER AND STUDY BUT FIRST I HAVE TO PUBLICLY WHINE ABOUT IT" cries. And that's cool, I did the same thing. I didn't start whining 'til the week before, but I whined a lot, heck yes I did.

Anyway, I used to do my public whining by blogging about finals, and I'd post my study tips every semester. But since I'm all Esquire-y now, I've gotta find a new way to fill the finals-blog void in my life. And since we here at Incidental Justice are all about providing positive learning experiences to readers, I'm going to share some real-life advice to prepare you for your legal career. Because I promise you, they won't teach you anything practical in law school.

These, my friends, are a few of the steps you need to take to properly prep for trial:

Stock up on junk food ahead of time - Lots of it. And buy it in bulk. This is a stark contrast from my finals rule, in which I state that one needs to make as many trips to the convenience store as possible. Don't go to the convenience store when you're prepping for trial. You're going to run into someone you know there, and then they're going to start telling you all their legal/emotional/life problems, and then they're going to want you to wave the Attorney's Magic Wand and fix it all. You barely have enough time for your own petty problems, let alone this guy's.
Watch My Cousin Vinny - This is hands down the most inspirational legal movie EVER. Yes, I know that in The Rainmaker, rookie attorney Matt Damon (super delish) won millions of dollars for a family whose son died of cancer. But by gosh, after watching Vinny question a guy, I get fired up and I'm ready to whoop up on some folks in the courtroom. I have a feeling you'll be fired up, too. And If you've got trial this month, you're in luck - basic cable is airing this movie every seven minutes these days.
Quietly whine to yourself - You're going to get frustrated at some point while you're prepping for trial. But even if you're thinking "I am truly screwed," you need to keep it to yourself. So feel free to quietly whimper... just don't let anyone hear you. And then eat some of the junk food you stocked up on.
Suit up, you sexy thing - After you've done all this prepping and whatnot, you're going to look like you were hit by a truck. But no more of that! Time to put on your pretty face and dress for the best. You, my friend, have worked your tail off for this trial. You're a sharp attorney, and you deserve to be lookin' sharp on your court day. Plus, studies have shown that jurors tend to vote based on which attorney is more attractive.

Of course, in addition to all of this, you should probably be interviewing witnesses, prepping your arguments, and reading documents until your eyes bleed. But you probably already knew that.

Bringing Home the Bacon... Again

2010-11-09T18:24:00.000-06:00

(Part two in a multipart series. I swear I'm not picky.)

Date: November 9, 2010
Location: Sonic
Conversation topic: Bacon cheeseburger with lettuce, no bread

Transcript:

Me: I'll have a Diet Coke and a bacon cheeseburger with lettuce only and no bun
Near-incomprehensible voice over the speaker: ...No bun?
Me: No bun. Just lettuce.
Voice: I have a Diet Coke and a bacon cheeseburger with no bun, will that be all?
Me: I only want lettuce on the bacon cheeseburger.
Voice: Just lettuce?
Me: Yes, lettuce is the only topping I want.
Voice: So you just want lettuce? No bacon and no cheese?
Me: No. I would like bacon and cheese on my bacon cheeseburger.

Glad we cleared that all up. I checked my bag after they brought out the bacon cheeseburger. They forgot the bacon.

Post-Election Walk of Shame

2010-11-03T20:11:00.000-05:00

I slept in my clothes last night. I'd had a long evening watching election results, and as I strolled down my staircase this morning, I looked like I was having a post-election walk of shame of sorts. I wandered over to the kitchen, still in rumpled clothing from the day before, and the once-crisp campaign stickers that were clinging to my shirt were starting to curl at the corners. I had been a believer last night, but this morning, I felt like a sucker.

I brewed six cups worth of coffee as I listened to George Stephanopoulos and the rest of the Good Morning America crew. I only drank about three of those cups, but perhaps I should have looked into gulping down the rest. It was going to take a lot to cure the election hangover, and even if caffeine wouldn't fix it, at least it would be a nice distraction. The election news on the television was the same as last night - America decided to go mostly Republican. This meant I got to spend my morning being even more cranky than I usually am, and that's a hard thing to do.

I made an omelette. The omelette wasn't intentional - I was planning on making regular ol' scrambled eggs, but I got distracted and forgot to actually do the scrambling. So as I was eating this unintentional omelette, I got to hear all the morning punditry - "This means blah blah blah" and "What's going to happen in 2012 grumble grumble" and all of that exciting stuff. It's the same drivel we've been fed for months, except this time around, the pundits had more material to work with. Every number had to "mean" something, and I'm sure that for the next week, I will get to hear even more analyses of the meaning of each one.

However, in my cranky, groggy, omelette-induced state, I decided that I was not going to look into the deeper meaning of what happened last night. I know that some people like to pick apart the implications and analyze "what's going to happen next," but for the moment, I'm just going to accept the fact that we got screwed. Maybe, once post-election hangover wears off, I can take a look at what happened and think about the future. For now, I will sip my coffee and take it like an adult.

Happy Cancer Awareness Month, Y'all.

2010-10-18T21:35:00.000-05:00

Hey, y'all! It's CANCER AWARENESS MONTH and the local grocery store wants you to celebrate!

As you can see from the newspaper ad, the grocery store is celebrating by giving you great discounts on items such as:

Red meat
Sunny Delight
Coffee
Red potatoes

Now, call me ignorant, but I don't think the best way to promote cancer awareness is to sell food items on the cheap that will actually *give you cancer*. I mean, unless you've got a package deal with some discount chemo, I think I'm gonna pass on your offer, Country Mart.

Rookie

2010-10-18T19:19:00.000-05:00

Alright, so I've been lawyer-ing for about a month now, and I *try* not to sound like an idiot in the courtroom, but it's kind of difficult to do. I mean, when I'm thinking "OH NO AM I DOING THIS RIGHT?? I'M GOING TO COMMIT MALPRACTICE AND I'VE ONLY HAD MY LICENSE FOR A MONTH AND MY LIFE IS GOING TO BE RUINED AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I DID ANYTHING WRONG!" it's hard to be assertive. Right now, if I can make it through a hearing and get what my client needs without looking like a complete rookie, I consider it a good day. Heck, if I can get what my client needs despite the fact I look like a complete rookie, all the better.

The ultimate goal, though, is to have all the attorneys whispering to one another when I walk into court, saying "See that gal right there? Watch out. She'll whoop your ass." And I know the intimidation factor is going to be a big hurdle for me to overcome, as I am 5'3" and apparently look more like a sorority pledge than a woman with two degrees and a law license (I really do need to tone down the eye makeup, even though I still contend it looks sparkly-fabulous). However, if I can make myself quit *acting* like a rookie in the courtroom, no one will care that I *look* like one. And I figure if I pretend I know what I'm doing long enough, I'll finally realize that I've known what I'm doing all along.

In the meantime, court may be kind of stressful, but I'm okay with that. This is because every stressful situation calls for a Hershey bar with almonds, and I fully enforce my Hershey rights after every court appearance. Kinda hard to have a bad day if chocolate is involved, isn't it? I think so.

So, the other day...

2010-10-05T20:59:00.000-05:00

I was driving home from Fayetteville, and I drove past a town with a giant firetruck on the side of the road. On the roof of the firetruck, there stood an Elvis mannequin. On top of the fireman's ladder, there stood another Elvis mannequin. There was nothing else in this town. Just a firetruck with two Elvises.

Three Days = Six Weeks

2010-09-18T13:15:00.000-05:00

In my last post, I said that I would be taking a break from posting for the weekend. As it turned out, that weekend turned into six weeks. To be fair, though, during those six weeks, I found out I passed the bar exam, I got a job, and I moved away from Fayetteville.

Needless to say, I don't feel *too* terrible about leaving y'all hanging.

That being said, as I'm going to be a full-time lawyer and whatnot, I'm paying special attention to my privacy. You won't be hearing specifics of where I live, where I'm working, or what I'm doing in my job. However, my life as a young attorney in a brand new town has already given me a whole slew of material to work with - and I've only been here for a week.

Let the adventures in lawyering begin.

Vacation

2010-08-06T15:06:00.000-05:00

Okay, y'all. I love you, but I'm going on a mini-vacation in about five minutes. Spark Week will be on hiatus until Monday.

Have a lovely weekend and a Happy Greinke Day!

Spark Week: Johnny Damon

2010-08-05T08:22:00.000-05:00

Ha ha! You knew I'd have a baseball-related post, didn't you? But you thought it would be about the Kansas City Royals, didn't you? Ha ha! This post is about Johnny Damon! I tricked you! I tricked you so good! I tricked you just like Johnny Damon has tricked every single baseball fan who decided to put a little bit of faith in him!

Johnny Damon (c)

I care about Johnny Damon more than I care about sharks. This is because I think Johnny Damon is a terrible human being and I want him to fail at the game of baseball. He is the epitome of all that is wrong with the game today. Except for the whole juicing thing. I don't think he does steroids. Judging by the distance he can throw a ball from the outfield, I actually am POSITIVE he doesn't do steroids. But despite this lack of juice, he's managed to rake in millions more than he's worth every season, thanks in part to some major sucking up.

Johnny Damon wants you to think he is committed to your team. He told this lie to the Royals. He told this lie to the Red Sox. Oh, and he lays the lies on SO thick. But once free agency or a trade deadline comes along, Johnny Damon starts crying. He cries like a 25-year-old recent law school grad who just watched the finale to The Bachelorette. "Boo hoo!" Johnny Damon tells the press. "This team isn't committed to me! Boo hoo!"

And if you aren't familiar with Johnny Damon's schtick, you probably think to yourself "Why isn't my team committed to him?! Johnny Damon wants to do great things with this team! Johnny Damon is going to WIN A WORLD SERIES with this team!" And then about a month later find out that he's actually signed a 25 gajillion dollar contract with a team that you hate. What's even worse, when Johnny Damon comes back to play his former team, he starts crying again.

"Boo hoo!" Johnny Damon tells the press in your hometown. "I wanted to stay here! This team wasn't committed to me! They forced me out! Boo hoo!" Which is baloney. And I don't know about you, but when Johnny Damon trash talks my beloved team (yes, the Royals), I get mad. Apparently, everyone else in my section of the stadium gets mad, too, because we all boo to our little hearts' content whenever he comes back to Kauffman.

I know that Major League Baseball is ultimately a business, and I don't expect players to stay with one team forever. But shoot, don't lie about why you're leaving a team. I mean, kids watch the game. And if you lie to a kid, you're a bad, bad person.

In fact, you're worse than a shark.

Spark Week: This bag of chips

2010-08-04T10:25:00.001-05:00

This is a bag of chips. It is sitting in my kitchen.

The bag is shiny. The chips are tasty. Sharks are neither shiny nor tasty. Based on these facts, I think that this bag of chips is more interesting than any shark.

In fact, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that this bag of chips is more dangerous than a shark. You see, Frito Lay has decided to lure us all into thinking that we're getting a healthy little treat when we eat these chips because the chips contain "all natural oil."

However, after closer inspection of the ingredients, we see that one of the first ingredients listed on the bag is "Monosodium Glutamate."

According to the Mayo Clinic, monosodium glutamate has been known to cause headaches, nausea, chest pain, and weakness. According to the internet, monosodium glutamate also causes cancer, aggravates your asthma, makes your phone send text messages to your ex that you swear you didn't send, and you'll probably burst into flames if you stare into the sun after consumption.

These things scare me far more than a shark.

"But [Glutton for Punishment]!" you say. "Sharks are killing machines! They will eat your legs! They will eat your babies! They will FIND YOU IN YOUR SLEEP because they HATE YOU because you chose not to watch Shark Week and I HOPE THEY FIND YOU, YOU TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING." But because I don't plan to swim under water and shove a camera in ol' Sharky McGee's face any time in the near future, I think can rest pretty easy tonight.

Now, don't let the fact that I'm not taunting a shark make you think that I'm a wimp. No, I prefer to live dangerously. In fact, I think I'm going to eat some chips right now, monosodium glutamate and all. Take that, Shark Week.

Spark Week: The Black Crowes

2010-08-03T12:51:00.000-05:00

The Black Crowes are a southern rock band hailing from Atlanta, Georgia. They have had no cultural relevance since 1992. Their biggest hit was a cover song. However, The Black Crowes on their most boring day are infinitely more interesting than a shark.

Let's get things started by meeting the current members of the band:

Chris Robinson, vocals: Remember that period of time when Kate Hudson always brought a really ugly dude with a scruffy beard to the red carpet? This is that guy. They were married for a while, and now they're not. We can ignore that dark period, though, because Chris Robinson has the voice of an angel. An angel that tokes up a lot, but an angel, nonetheless.

Sven Pipien, bass: Good bass player. Good backup vocalist. Good job, Sven.

Rich Robinson, rhythm guitar: Rich Robinson does not smile. I've seen two Crowes shows, and the entire time, Rich just blankly stares into the audience. I think it's because he's thinking to himself "I wonder where the nearest Denny's is," throughout the show and planning out the quickest route in his mind. But maybe he's just super deep. I don't really know.

Steve Gorman, drums: Sometimes he has a scruffy beard. When he doesn't, you sing to yourself "One of these things is not like the other," when you see him on stage.

Adam MacDougall, keyboards: He's a recent addition to the band, and most diehard Crowes fans can't stand the guy because they think he botches the keyboard solo in Wiser Time. I should feel sorry for the guy, because a lot of hatred gets thrown his way. But I don't, because his Wiser Time solo really is that bad.

"Magical rotating lead guitar player," lead guitar: Count the number of times I thought about dropping out of law school, double it, and that's the number of lead guitarists The Black Crowes have gone through during the last 20 years. However, I think the current lead, Luther Dickinson, is super delicious. And he SMILED AT ME one time. I was sitting second row at a concert, and I yelled "We love you, Luther!" and he looked at me for a good FIVE seconds and smiled. I was smitten.

---

Anyway, I went to my first Crowes concert back when I was still writing this blog anonymously, and it changed my life. It sure as heck was a lot better than Shark Week. All sharks can do is swim around in salt water and then bite you when they're feeling mean. The Black Crowes can give you a mind blowing musical experience that will take you on highs and lows throughout the entire set and leave you buzzing for days. For the record, I am sober and I am not a hippie.

So, for those of you who need something to watch other than Shark Week (and I know you do), The Black Crowes will be on television several times this week, heck yes they will. They're on Leno tonight (ew) and Kimmel tomorrow. Apparently, they'll be on PBS, too, but I'm supposed to "check my local listings" to figure out when that's on. This is all because they've released a new album this week, which I highly recommend you purchase. Even better, you should purchase tickets to their farewell tour, which starts on August 13.

I'm not telling you all this because I'm getting a cut of the band's profits. I'm telling you this because everyone deserves to have some good music in their lives. And more importantly, everyone deserves an alternative to a boring ol' shark.

With that, I leave you with one of my favorite performances of all time:

Spark Week!

2010-08-02T15:37:00.000-05:00

If you've surfed facebook or twitter this week, you've probably read about 27 updates that look a little somethin' like this:

Hey, guess what! It's SHARK WEEK! OMG SHARK WEEK! This might be the best thing that EVER happened to me and I think I might have to CALL MY MOM because this is so AWESOME and I'm going to PEE MY PANTS I am so excited!!!

Despite all of these incredibly informative updates, I really couldn't tell you what Shark Week is, other than 1) it's on TV and 2) it involves sharks. And while I'm very happy that you've found such joy in your life... I don't care about sharks. And I probably never will care, unless one of them happens to bite me on the leg.

Anyway, I told my friends how little I cared about shark week, and a few of them suggested that I make a blog post called "SPARK WEEK." This idea thoroughly amuses me, so here is what I am going to do:

Every day this week, I am going to make a post dedicated to something that I care about more than Shark Week. And I'm going to have a lot of fun with this, because this means that I pretty much get to write about anything that exists in the universe.

I guess this means I'd better get to brainstormin'. Oh, what to write about first...

EDIT: The "every day this week" starts tomorrow. I'm too busy bawling my eyes out over The Bachelorette finale.

Two-ish Weeks

2010-07-14T22:06:00.000-05:00

Don't worry, m'dears - I'm still alive. Alive in a zombie-esque state, but alive, nonetheless. I refuse to complain about bar prep, so I won't say anything about the process. That being said, no time for a full update, just a few favors to ask of you.

For the next two weeks, please don't

Start a fight with me
Decide to tell me all your problems
Start a fight with me because you think I'm the cause of all your problems
Insist that I need to go out because I have to take a break sometime
Ask me if I think I'm ready for the exam.

Love y'all. See you in two weeks.

Bar exam prep, haiku style

2010-06-18T18:36:00.000-05:00

I got my J.D.
Now I study for the bar
Hopefully, I'll pass

Three hour lectures
On a Saturday morning
Summer break is fun

Perpetuities
There is a rule against them
I still don't get it

Article 9 sucks
Really really really sucks
It sucks a whole lot

I studied all day
And then I got a cupcake
That was kinda fun

Practice MBE
Practice MEE, as well
Time for more caffeine

I should review Torts
Instead of writing haikus
Haikus are more fun

BarBri Supermodel

2010-06-07T23:26:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm three weeks into studying for the bar exam, and I've decided to use BarBri's StudySmart software to help me out. The program has been helpful, but good grief it looks awkward.

This is a screenshot of the program:

And this is the closeup of the male model portraying someone studying for the bar:

I can assure you this person is not studying for the bar, and I highly doubt the kid's even stepped foot in a real law school. How do I know this?

1. The recreational reading materials sitting next to him. There ain't a single book in that stack that's big enough to be a BarBri book. And they sure as heck aren't legal study aids either. I've seen every single brand of law school commercial outline, and I promise none of them look like that.

2. The smile. Yeah, buddy. Study U.C.C. Article 9 for three hours and I promise you won't be smiling anymore. (Note: I'm making it a point to have a positive attitude this summer, but I've reserved the right to complain about U.C.C. 9 at any time.)

3. The lack of beverage in the picture. If he were actually studying for the bar exam, he'd have a drink next to him. This drink would contain either caffeine or alcohol. Maybe both.

I have to give BarBri credit, though. If they showed a picture of someone who was actually studying for the bar, we'd all be so terrified that we'd never open the program. So I'm okay that they're using male models with blank stares on their faces instead.

The To-Do List

2010-06-06T00:27:00.000-05:00

Well, m'dears, you probably think I have abandoned you post-graduation, seeing that I haven't posted in a few weeks. In fact, quite the opposite is true. I've got nine unfinished posts swimming around my editing page, believe it or not. I doubt they'll ever get finished, but that's okay. Because for the next two months, I don't have to do any assignments if I don't want to, darn it, because I am FINISHED with school. FINISHED, I tell you, and I've got an obnoxiously large piece of paper stuffed in a drawer to prove it. And it has my name on it, heck yes it does.

However... even though I don't *have* to complete any assignments for the next two months, I *will* be completing assignments. You see, I've got this little ol' thing called the bar exam coming around the corner, so I'm taking a multi-week bar preparation course from the kind folks at BarBri. Or, as I like to call it, Law School on Prozac, Steroids, and Refined Sugars. [Note to the state board of bar examiners, in case you are reading this: I am not on prozac or steroids myself, pinky promise.] Anyway, as a part of my BarBri bar prep, I have do do all sorts of readings, essays, practice quizzes, etc. every day. I've managed to keep my sanity, or whatever's left of it, in tact so far. If I can keep doing what I'm doing, I should be able to make it to the bar exam without being too miserable. Hopefully, by the time the exam rolls along, I'll finally know all the material, because passing the bar exam the first time would be nice.

Now, some of you might be wondering what I wrote in my nine unfinished blog posts. Basically, they were all attempts to make the transition to life as a Juris Doctor sound really profound. But none of the posts seemed to work for me, because life as a J.D. doesn't seem profound yet. At all. My life just seems like a big giant checklist toward becoming a lawyer, and the degree was just another checkmark on an unfinished project. A big checkmark. But not the final checkmark.

So, my friends, bear with me the next few months. The final checkmark on my to-do list is the bar exam, and I'm going to take this as seriously as I've taken anything in my life. I promise I'll keep you all in the loop throughout the process with some less-than-serious posts. But don't take it personally if I'm a bit cranky with you during this time. I'll try to be nice. If you bring me cupcakes, I'll make an even bigger effort to be nice.

The day after

2010-05-16T13:30:00.001-05:00

I graduated yesterday. Soon, I will post an update.

But today, I sleep.

I'm on Step 7

2010-04-29T21:19:00.000-05:00

It's a beautiful week to be a 3L. For those of us about to graduate, it's our sixth time to be taking law school exams, so we're finally at the point where we know what the heck we're doing (for the most part). In honor of this joyous occasion, and because I love sharing little tidbits of wisdom, I'm going to tell you the steps you need to take to study like a 3L. Because if anyone knows how to succeed in law school, it's a soon-to-be-graduating student. It may only be a C-minus level success. But a it's a success, nonetheless.

Step 1: Stare at your computer screen
You know the movie Office Space? When Peter says that he spends his first hour of work "zoning out"? That's exactly what's going on here. Except you're not trying to convince anyone else that you're actually working. You've managed to convince yourself that you're working, even though you're not. But that's just as good as actually learning, I think.

Step 2: Make a trip to the gas station to buy junk food and caffeine
What's better than enjoying a delicious snack while studying? Enjoying a delicious snack that costs three times more than what you would've paid had you gone the extra four blocks to the grocery store. And once you get far enough into finals, the clerks will start remembering all your quirky purchasing habits ("You want the megabucks game, right?" "What, no Diet Coke this afternoon?").

Step 3: YouTube videos of cute babies
Okay, you made it through steps 1 and 2. It's time you give yourself a mental break. You know, clear your mind of all the bad stuff that's filling your mind. And there's no more effective way of clearing your mind than watching videos of cute babies on YouTube. My personal favorites are this one and this one.

Step 4: Look at your class notes
CONGRATULATIONS! You're actually looking at something that is somewhat related to passing the exam you're going to take in two days! Heck, you might even start editing some of these notes into outline form. You are ROCKIN' the studying now. In fact, you're going to manage to rock it for 19 more minutes. And then you will not rock it anymore. Because you're going to get angry...

Step 5: Let everyone online know how much you hate law school
This may be done in the form of a tweet, blog post, facebook status update, or instant message. Bonus points if you can do it in the form of an inside joke ("I may not know anything about the law, but at least I know how to use gmail now"). NOTE: To those of you who got IMs from me last night in which I told you that you should drop out of law school while you still can because it's NOT WORTH IT AHHH MAKE IT STOP IT'S SO NOT WORTH IT... I really am sorry about that. I'm not saying it isn't true. But I probably shouldn't have said it.

Step 6: Go back to the gas station
Did you know that it costs ten bucks to get Velveeta, tortilla chips, and a Diet Coke at EZ-Mart? Sheesh.

Step 7: Multitask
Okay, you're finally ready to look at your class material again, though you're probably going to be watching TV or g-chatting at the same time. But you know, I happen to think that multitasking is one of the most effective ways to prepare you for practicing law. It's rare that you'll find a day at work when you're not interrupted 23 times while working on an appellate brief. So you're actually preparing yourself for life, not just a final. *cue sappy music*

Step 8: Make false promises
Heck yes, you've made some progress! So now, you start convincing yourself that you will keep up the good work. "I'm going to read three more sections before I go to bed," ..."I'm going to finish this outline in an hour,"... "I'm going to go through all these flashcards twice," et cetera, et cetera. We all know that this is a load of crap, though. You're going to make good on about 1/4 of the promises you make to yourself (if that) before moving on to Step 9.

Step 9: Say "screw it," and go to bed
In about a 24 hour period, you've managed to put in about two-and-a-half solid hours of work. And that's about two hours more than you spent reading this entire semester. Way to be, 3L. Way. To. Be.

I happen to be on Step 7 right now. After I post this, I'm going to re-read my Nonprofit Organizations outline before heading to bed.

(Ha.)

More great moments in note taking

2010-04-25T19:15:00.000-05:00

Okay, the "great moments in note taking" post was really difficult to compile this semester. I didn't have a lot of notes to work with. This is definitely because I only took 12 hours this semester and absolutely not because I gave up on taking notes sometime in February.

Johnson v. Rockwell Automation – Plaintiff's bar hates this. This is the first definitive case... ___? Has more to do with ___? This is a certified question.
Something about a magazine... and it was an integral part of the election process. I quit paying attention. But they wanted to make sure everyone has access.'
Direct and grassroots lobbying,... something. Lobbying nontaxable is a certain amount, 15%,10%, 5%, et cetera. La la la.
Technical jazz. Yay.
(There has to be fear)(How do yuo show fear?)
Public charity – get the ???. If you donate to the charity
But still required to engage in activities for exempt purpose. Blah blah
If you have substantial commercial activity that's unrelated... you lose exemption. Blah blah again.

Happy finals week, y'all.

Well that was fun.

2010-04-22T16:25:00.000-05:00

About 20 years ago, my dad walked me to my classroom for the first day of kindergarten. I was wearing a dress. I don't remember which dress I was wearing, but it was probably a sun dress. I was carrying a blue Sesame Street lunchbox. I was a little scared, but my feelings of fear were overwhelmed by the accomplishment I felt for making it past preschool and the excitement of starting "real school."

When I walked into the classroom, I met a boy named Allen. He was an energetic child who wore gray velcro shoes. He would say a few words to me, place his hands on the floor and do a donkey kick, and then go back to talking. He did this until the teacher caught him and told him to sit down. I don't remember much else about my first day of school, other than that a kid named Blake decided to punch me in the face twice. He got into a little bit of trouble for that.

---

I just finished my last class ever. Environmental Law, specifically. And just like my first day of school, I'm scared, I feel accomplished, and I'm excited. Thankfully, I did not get punched in the face.

When I started kindergarten, I had a pretty good idea that I'd be in school for a long time. Now that I've finished my last class ever, I have no idea where I'm going. I think that's how things are supposed to be, though. I'm a single, 25-year-old, soon-to-be career woman (oh lord, that sounded like a singles ad), and I'm not going to be cocooned in the comfort of a class schedule anymore. The choices in front of me are overwhelming, and I am incredibly blessed.

God has given me so much to be thankful for. My only hope is that I can humbly use those gifts to better humankind and to show unconditional love and service to all people whose paths I cross.

And so ends a very long, happy chapter in my life. My formal education is about to come to a close, but I'm ready for the new adventures (and non-adventures) to begin.

(Oh, and y'all get ready. Next week marks the start of my finals-related blog posts. Heck yes.)

Bringing Home the Bacon - A Lunchtime Conversation

2010-04-04T20:40:00.001-05:00

Date: April 3, 2010
Location: Chili's
Conversation topic: I want bacon

Transcript:

Me: I'll have the green chili chicken soup and a side of bacon
Waiter: A side of bacon?
Me: Yes, a side of bacon.
Waiter: (peering over at the menu) I don't think the soup comes with a side.
Me: I know. But I want to order a side of bacon.
Waiter: So you want like bacon bits in the soup? Would that be alright?
Me: No, I want bacon slices.
Waiter: On the side?
Me: Yes, on the side.
Waiter: So do you want two or three slices?
Me: A couple of slices.
Waiter: ... so is that two slices?
Me: Yes, two slices of bacon.
Waiter: On the side?
Me: On the side.

Glad we got that all cleared up before the meal came out. The bacon was delicious, by the way.

Getting a Law License, Part 1

2010-04-02T14:49:00.000-05:00

Well, I've officially submitted my bar application - the first step to getting licensed to practice law. That's right, there is a distinct possibility that I might be representing legal clients in a court near you sometime soon, so you might want to make preparations in case the world caves in on itself.

Now, for those of you who aren't familiar with the bar application, it's a 15-ish page document with questions such as "Have you ever abused drugs?" "No, really, have you ever abused drugs?" "C'mon, you can tell us if you've abused drugs." The bar examiners want to make sure that we're fit to practice law, so they've got a series of questions like that to make sure we're not going to steal our clients' money or take the drugs that they've allegedly been selling (It was a misunderstanding, your honor. He thought they were vitamin supplements.)

And those questions are all well and good, but they're part of what is titled the "character questionnaire," and I don't think they get to the heart of a person's character. I mean, if I were on the board of bar examiners, and I really wanted to know a person's character, I'd be asking questions like "Have you ever cheated on your boy/girlfriend, you sorry excuse for a human being?" or "When's the last time you called your mother? I bet she misses you."

I suppose if those sorts of questions were asked, there'd be about 10 lawyers admitted to the practice of law every year. Which would work out in my favor, because I don't cheat and I call my momma quite often. But I'm sure all those clients who accidentally sold those vitamin supplements would have quite a difficult time finding the representation they need, and that's not a good thing.

Anyway, if the bar examiners decide that I'm morally fit to practice law, all that's sitting between me and a law license is a diploma. And an obnoxious two-day exam. And all the studying that is required to pass the obnoxious two-day exam. But after that, I'm free to lawyer to my little heart's content. And hopefully, at the end of this whole law school / bar exam ordeal, my little heart will still be intact.

A guide to small towns

2010-03-11T01:05:00.000-06:00

If you're one of the thousands of soon-to-be law school grads that is still searching for employment, there's a good chance you're going to wind up working in a small town after you graduate. This can be a scary idea for some, especially for those who have always thought of a small town as a place where the bars don't stay open past one. But no worries, I've spent most of my life living in small towns, and just so long as you know what to expect, you'll be just fine.

So what should you expect in a small town, other than "not much"? Most small towns fall into one of five categories, which I have listed here along with descriptions. And though these descriptions certainly aren't thorough, they're a good place to start:

The small town with the Walmart Supercenter - Oh my gosh. If you are a small town with a Walmart Supercenter, you are a BIG DEAL in the small town world. People from small towns all over probably FLOCK to your town. When Berryville finally got a Supercenter, people from all over Carroll County were taking their kids out of school to go visit. Unfortunately, citizens of Supercenter towns have a bit of a superiority complex, so don't fall into that mindset.
The small town that's next door to a big town - You'll be fine. You can commute from the big town if you want. And your clients will probably be very loyal to you, as they chose you over one of those fancy Fayetteville attorneys.
The small town that's kind of isolated (I grew up here!) - You fall into this category if you're more than 45 minutes away from an interstate. The good news is you probably have a Sonic. The bad news is you'll get to know everyone in this town, and therefore, you'll get to know everyone who works at this Sonic. And you wouldn't trust ANY of those kids to get near your food.
The small town that's REALLY isolated - Take your dramamine, folks. It's going to be a long, winding drive to this town. And you don't even get a Sonic treat at the end of the trip. But sleep tight, because the big corporations have stayed far, far away from here. Enjoy a slice of apple pie. This is America. Not a very exciting version of America. But America, nonetheless.
The small town that's REALLY isolated and doesn't have its own high school - You're guaranteed to be the only attorney in this town. Unfortunately, you probably only have two potential clients: Your great-aunt Effie and some kid named Charles who's getting suspended from elementary school for smoking cigarettes on school property. But Charles gets in trouble quite a little bit, so at least you have constant business.

So don't worry. You're going to be just fine. And one final note: small towns are a lot like law school. Everyone knows your business, everyone talks about your business, and everyone has an opinion about your business. But think of it this way. After going through law school, you know how to handle this gossip. So take comfort in the fact that law school prepared you for something practical for once.

I hear Darth Vader is looking for a sales manager, too

2010-02-01T23:21:00.000-06:00

What a nice email I received this morning:

Dear Sales Professional,

We have received your application/resume in regard to our search for top direct sales and marketing executives in your area.

Your application will be forwarded to the Regional Manager in your area for review and you will be contacted within 24-48 hours.

We are experiencing rapid growth and we are looking to speak with you.

Sincerely,

[Some shady corporation]

cc: [He's probably shady, too], VP - Sales

While I am flattered that [shady corporation] is looking to speak with me, there are a few small problems here:

1. I am not a sales professional

2. I never submitted my resume to this corporation

3. Until I received this email, I had never even heard of this corporation

Now, I could just blow this email off, but I've got to keep in mind that I'm still unemployed post-graduation. So after the message popped up in my inbox this morning, I decided to google [shady corporation] in case I decided to advantage of this exciting job opportunity. As it turns out, [shady corporation] is an "Accounts Receivable Management Firm," which in plain English means "debt collectors."

I'm not saying they deserve it, but debt collectors probably rank at the top of the "people most likely to get punched in the face" list, if one were to compile such a list. I mean, even people in the Bible talked smack about debt collectors (though Jesus befriended them anyway, because he's forgiving like that). That being said, I do not believe I will be pursuing this job opportunity.

Economic times may be hard, and the legal job market may be atrocious right now, but I have faith that the right job will come along. And if it doesn't, that's okay, too. Just so long as I can pay my bills, I'll be in good shape. And if I can't pay the bills... I guess I know who will be coming after me.

Half-Marathon Training, or: How I Learned to Stop Whining and Love the... MY LEGS ARE BURNING MAKE IT STOP!!

2010-01-24T21:27:00.000-06:00

I was never an athlete. When I was a kid, the coaches stuck me out in left field during t-ball season because no one could hit the ball that far (except this one portly kid, but he couldn't run very quickly so my inability to throw or catch the ball was irrelevant). And though I was never the last one to get picked for dodgeball teams back in the day, that was because I never actually played dodgeball.

As you may know, though, I've been running road races since my 2L year. I'm not exactly sure why I decided to do that, but it probably had something to do with the fact that I was addicted to Hershey bars with almonds at the time and was not willing to give up that high-calorie habit. Anyway, I'm usually one of the last ones to finish each race, but I've had a good time at them. I've had such a good time that I've decided to run a half marathon in March.

The problem with this half-marathon decision is that I decided to quit running for the entire month of December (thanks, finals!). And a good portion of January, too (thanks, laziness!). So now, it's 40-ish days to race day and I'm getting exhausted after running only 4 miles. Since running the whole dang thing is looking less and less likely, I'm trying to come up with ways to not fail miserably:

Run as much of the race as I can, walk the rest of the way, and congratulate myself afterward on a valiant effort
Run as much of the race as I can, find a "shortcut" along the way, and impress the masses with my excellent finish time
Put on a sweatband and walkman and join the power walkers
Not join the power walkers but put on the sweatband and walkman anyway

I'm willing to bet that the final result is going to be a combination of #1 and #4.

Anyway, I'm going to get through all of this without whining, mark my words. The chorus of my running theme song starts out with the lyrics "He's fat and he don't run too fast. But he's faster than me." And this pretty much describes every race I've ever run, but I always manage to finish with a a smile on my face. So you go, man who don't run too fast! You'll see me at the finish line in a few minutes.

Please, won't you be my neighbor?

2010-01-13T10:39:00.002-06:00

I stay at home quite a little bit. This, of course, has nothing to do with the fact that law school has turned me into a cranky old lady who would rather sleep or sit on the couch than spend an evening out on the town. Anyway, I'm getting to experience all the fun things about life in an apartment complex. And as you know, no experience is worth having if it doesn't involve fascinating people. So let me introduce you to the fine people who've surrounded me at some point during the last two years.

Brown Paper Bag Man - Okay, the first few times I saw this guy in my old neighborhood, I was really confused. This guy would sit in his car for extended periods of time, listening to the Spanish-language radio station. And he always sipped from a brown paper bag during each of these extended stays in the car. He did this EVERY DAY. I've decided the reason he drinks in the car is because he has kids in his apartment, and he doesn't want to drink in front of them. Good for you, Brown Paper Bag Man.

The Little Drummer Boy Upstairs - So there's this guy who lives above me. He doesn't actually play the drums. But he does like to play a certain bass line very loudly at very odd hours. And I'm pretty sure it's always the same bass line. I certainly hope it keeps him as entertained as it keeps me annoyed. Pah rum pum pum pum.

The Daysleepers - Oh I MISS these guys! They lived in my old neighborhood. Such good neighbors. They played a lot of video games, and they had boxes piled up all over the place, but they were very, very quiet. My roommate and I never actually saw these guys during the day. The only reason we knew they existed is because we'd see them walk into their apartment with some Taco Bell late at night.

Willy D - Willy D's is the name of the piano bar in Fayetteville. Willy D is also the name I have given my next-door neighbor, as he received an electric keyboard for Christmas. He, just like the musicians at the piano bar, plays his keyboard into the wee hours of the night. I think he needs to learn some Journey so the neighborhood can sing along.

And last, but not least:

The Happy Meal Bandit - Hey, we all like our quarter-pounders and fries. Someone in my neighborhood, however, likes their McDonald's treats so much that they can't wait to get out of the parking lot to eat them, and they leave all the wrappers in the front lawn. There was someone like this in my old neighborhood, too - a Fudge Rounds Bandit, if you will (roommate and I think it was one of the Daysleepers). Apparently, the bandits have not been reading all the news reports on obesity in America. I sincerely hope that the Happy Meal Bandit will become a Baby Carrot Bandit one day instead.

Anyway, I should probably go introduce myself to these people. I'm willing to bet that one of these guys is going to have the cops called on him or get sued for being a nuisance. And when that time comes, he's going to need an attorney. Incidental Justice, at your service.

Mighty Matt and his Super Hearing Powers

2010-01-04T13:56:00.000-06:00

I'm on Christmas break, so I'm taking a break from writing about law school, as well. Here's a tale from my undergrad days.

I was a dorm rat throughout most of college. Even though the rooms were tiny, and funky smells seeped out of the room of the computer science major who stayed inside all day to play video games, I kinda liked dorm life. Not gonna lie, it pretty was nice not having to wake up until 15 minutes before class started. I'm sure no one cared that I showed up to class in pajama pants and with sheet marks across my face.

Actually, the only real problem I had with the college residential experience was dealing with the dormitory rules. Not because I could get into any kind of actual trouble for breaking said rules; I got written up nine times my freshman year for noise violations, and clearly, it did not affect my ability to graduate from college. No, the problem was the people who tried to enforce these rules - specifically, my senior-year RA Matt.

Oh, Matt. Matt was younger than my roommate Erin and me. He also lived right across the hall from us. He also was on a power trip about his RA duties. His excuse was always "Hey, I don't care what you do, I just have to enforce the rules to keep my job." Sure, Matt.

The first time Matt decided to enforce these "rules" was the week before classes started. Erin and I moved into the dorms about a week early, and there were *maybe* 25 people in the entire dormitory during that time. And at about 10:30 p.m., Erin and I were talking. At 10:40, Matt decided to knock on our door and scold us for our naughty noisiness. Nevermind the fact that his knocking was louder than our giggling. And that no one had to go to class in the morning. And that it wasn't quiet hours yet. Anyway, Erin and I then dubbed him "Mighty Matt with his Super Hearing Powers" and decided that if he was going to make things difficult for us, we were going to make things difficult for him.

Erin and I really didn't do anything *that* mean-spirited throughout the school year. For example, when Mighty Matt made us fill out a cheesy "roommate agreement" the first week of classes, we didn't take it entirely seriously. And by "didn't take it entirely seriously," I mean that we filled in the blanks with silly, harmless things such as "I don't want her making out with guys in the room while I'm studying," and "We will resolve all disputes by mud wrestling." Anyway, after we turned in this "agreement" to him, Mighty Matt knocked on our door and scolded us for not writing serious things in the blanks of our agreement. He told us to write up a new one and said, "Sorry, I just have to do my job." God forbid that he'd get fired and we'd be forced to have an RA who did something other than scold his naughty residents.

Anyway, after a year of putting up with our shenanigans, Mighty Matt wound up getting the last laugh. I moved out of my room on graduation day, and Mighty Matt came by to do a final inspection of the room to make sure I hadn't destroyed anything. As he inspected the furniture I said "The drawers in the dresser haven't worked all year. I turned in a complaint to maintenance, and it never got fixed." Mighty Matt laughed. "Yeah, I know they don't work," he said. "That dresser was in my room when I moved in. When I found out that it was broken, I switched it with the one on your room."

I glared at him as I stood there in my graduation cap and gown. "Thanks, Matt," I told him. There wasn't much else I could say at that point. And you know, it was kind of a fitting end to my days in the dorm.

I have no idea what Mighty Matt is doing right now, and I really do wish him all the best. But if some of his furniture happens to break, I probably won't feel all that bad.

Color-Coded Tabs

2009-12-07T21:14:00.000-06:00

There's a general belief that third-year law students are apathetic. And you know, I don't think that's a fair assessment. I honestly don't think we're "apathetic." I think we're "fearless." While the 1Ls are stressing out, spazzing out, freaking out over academics, we're taking it easy and enjoying the ride. Why? Because after surviving law school this long, we're confident that we can handle anything.

Anyway, the differences between 1Ls and 3Ls are especially apparent during finals. And since I've decided to blog tonight instead of study for Negotiable Instruments, let me elaborate on these differences for you:

Finals preparation
A 1L's Approach: You think that the best way to study is to make an outline. If you're one of the more eager students, you will start your outlines weeks in advance of finals. You buy every commercial outline in the bookstore to supplement your personal outlines. There's a good chance you study with a group of other students. You take practice exams. You grade your practice exams. If there's something you missed on your practice exam, you highlight it on the outline that you typed out.
A 3L's Approach: Purchase Legalines and give it a good readthrough before the final.

Pre-finals jitters
A 1L's Approach: The week before to the final, you are very nervous. But you have a healthy amount of confidence, too, as you have studied your little heart out for the past few weeks, and you know you have done all you could. The day before the final, you start to question that you know enough for this final, and you start to feel a bit ill. Right before you start your final, you are shaking a bit. Of course, I may have been the only one shaking before my finals 1L year, but that's just because I downed like 3 Red Bulls before each exam.
A 3L's Approach: You don't know this material. You know you don't know this material. You know there's nothing you can do about it at this point. So why worry?

Test-taking during a closed-book exam
A 1L's Approach: Don't worry, you memorized your entire outline, so you're good to go. But you developed mnemonic devices to remember all those tricky parts of the law that can be especially pesky toward the end of your final. These mnemonic devices come in especially handy during the property exam.
A 3L's Approach: You really think a 3L is going to take a class that doesn't have an open-note exam?

Test-taking during an open-book exam
A 1L's Approach: Just like in the closed-book exam, you have memorized your entire outline. However, as a backup, you have tabbed your book and color coded it, because you never know what might happen during an exam.
A 3L's Approach: Oh, dang, you may know absolutely nothing about the law, but you sure as heck know how to organize some notes. You tab your notes. You put notations on your tabs. You color code your tabs. You put little sparkly things on some of the tabs to distinguish the nuances in the law. Not that you needed all of that extra stuff on your tabs; you have your tabs memorized. You know to find everything in your notes, even if you don't exactly understand the contents of those notes yet.

In light of all this, I'd like to give this piece of wisdom to everyone who is stressing out over finals this week. The law is a very complex thing, and there's a lot of it. There is no possible way any attorney can know all the vast scope of the law, no matter how much time he spends trying to learn it. But the thing that makes an attorney great is that even if he doesn't know the answer yet, he knows how to find the right answer for his client. So if you don't know every answer on your exams this week, don't worry - your value as a lawyer isn't riding on a three-hour test. Just be confident that you will be able to find the answer in the real world. And if you need the help of color-coded tabs, that's okay, too.

How to pull an all-nighter

2009-12-01T09:57:00.001-06:00

I, like most law students, spend my life in a half-asleep/half-awake delirium. And it's not because I don't have time to sleep. Please believe, I do, because I'm a 3L and I don't spend time reading for class. I've just developed a nasty case of insomnia over the past few months. Incidentally, this insomnia may be partly attributed to the lack of reading I've done, because nothing will put you to sleep faster than curling up to a good ol' chapter of debtor-creditor relations.

Anyway, I can't attribute all of my newfound lack of slumber to the lack of reading. I manage to do or find nonsense things to keep me awake. And since we here at Incidental Justice are all about helping others, I'm going to share with you some of the things that have kept me awake over the past month. Because if you're trying to pull an all-nighter, caffeine will only get you so far. So here we go:

Galileo's Missing Fingers - So apparently, a couple of Galileo Galilei's fingers went missing after he died. And then, someone found them in a jar somewhere. And the jar went up for auction last week. The couple that bought the jar knew there were fingers in there - and they made the purchase *even though they didn't know those fingers were Galileo's*. I found this out at about midnight one night. How can you fall asleep after hearing such awesome news? It's not possible.
Early Morning Yoga - When I have a 6:30 a.m. class at the HPER, I either am a) SO excited about my workout that I just can't fall asleep or b) SO worried that I'm not going to be able to wake up in time that I just can't fall asleep. Anyway, just convince yourself that you need to wake up early, and I promise you'll fall asleep two hours later than you anticipated.
Late Night Toning - Shoot, I just can't cut a break with this whole workout thing. After sleeping in through my Yoga class, I've gotta get my workout in at some point during the day. And I usually remember this about 20 minutes before I plan to go to sleep. You would think that after 30 pushups and 50 crunches, I'd be ready to collapse onto the bed. Apparently not.
The FBI's Most Wanted List - Okay, for the record, I was TOTALLY ready to fall asleep that night. But then I thought to myself "Gee, I wonder who's on the FBI's most wanted list these days?" And it makes sense that this thought would just pop into my mind, because I've thought about the most wanted list maybe one time in my entire life. Anyway, I moseyed on over to the FBI site to see who was on there. Sheesh. If that won't give you nightmares, I have no idea what will. No sleep for me that night.

I'm running on about 4 hours of sleep right now, so I can attest to the success of this list. And I suppose I should make a post about "How to stay awake in class and look like you care even though you're about to fall over." But I'm still workin' on figuring that one out. Happy finals week, y'all.

Oh look, a little old man and some lady with a stroller just passed us

2009-11-22T21:57:00.000-06:00

So I ran another 5K today. And by "ran" I mean "walked briskly," due to the fact that Erin and I decided to stay up late watching trashy reality television last night and got about 5 hours of sleep at best. And yes, I realize I manage to function at school after getting much less than 5 hours of sleep. But just because I can technically function on less than 5 hours of sleep doesn't mean that I can realistically do anything more than put on ridiculous amounts of concealer to cover up the circles under my eyes, show up to class, and pray that I don't get called on because I'm a 3L and I don't believe in reading for class. But that's not the point. The point is, I walked the entire race. Which wound up being a good thing, because I'd accidentally left the insoles to my shoes at home. Awkward.

Anyway, this 5K was part of the Route 66 Marathon that's held in Tulsa every year. And those Route 66 folks know how to put on a show, let me tell ya. Bands play rockin' music at locations throughout the course. Police officers direct traffic away from the runners (this is actually a really big deal). Free beer is at the finish line. The Route 66 family of races (marathon, half, 5K, 1K) has the potential to be one of the greats.

As we all, know, though, the thing that separates good races from the great races is the quality of the registration goody bag. So when I picked up my goody bag at the Route 66 expo yesterday, I was giddy like a kid on Christmas morning. SO EXCITED. Once I actually looked inside the goody bag, though, I felt kinda like the kid on Christmas morning who asked for a trike and wound up getting underwear. Not that the bag was full of bad stuff. But whoever was in charge of goody gathering clearly didn't understand her target audience. I mean, we runners don't really need a flier telling us how employees of the Williams company stay in shape, for example, but that's what we got. And you know, after reading Williams' flier/advertisement, I still have no idea what the company does. Whatever it is, it apparently doesn't involve successful marketing.

Now to be fair, I get spoiled running races in Northwest Arkansas, so I have high goody bag standards. I mean you get Tyson to sponsor a race, and you open your goody bag, and it's like "Hey! A pound of chicken!" Or something like that. One time I even got a dog leash (not from Tyson, by the way). Granted, I'd never walk my Yorkie with with a leash that's decorated with bright orange flame looking things. But it's the thought that counts.

Anyway, in light of this. I would just like to give a very special message to the Route 66 Marathon. I think you're pretty good, and I really do think you have the potential to be great one of these days. But first, you need to hand out some free stuff to lure broke students into running the race annually, because your registration fee ain't cheap. I'd recommend a coupon for Chick-fil-a. Ice cream is nice, too.

Unemployed is the New Thin

2009-11-16T10:23:00.000-06:00

I'm not going to flat out tell you that the legal job market sucks right now. But if employment is something you think you might be interested in, you might want to steer clear of seeking lawyer work for a while.

Anyway, back in the early days of Incidental Justice, I made a list of career options in case this whole law thing fell through. And it's lookin' like that might happen right now. So let's take a look at my 2007 list and see if my alternative careers are still viable options:

Journalist - In case you didn't know, I have a degree in print journalism, AKA newspapers. Yep, I managed to get the one degree less likely to get me a job right now than a Juris Doctor. I suppose I could put my journalistic skills to use by starting a political "news" blog, but if I were to do that, I'd have to make it a right-wing blog because those are the ones that seem to be getting the most steam these days. But it could be fun, spending my day screaming "SOCIALISM!" on the internets. Plus, no one would expect me to fact check.
Housewife - Still can't cook. Still can't clean. Still don't date. Still more likely that I'll wind up as a housewife than as a lawyer right now.
Grad School Student - Hmm, this one's tricky. As it stands, I can graduate from law school debt-free, wait around until I can find a legal job, and then do odd jobs in the meantime to survive. OR, I can graduate from law school, go to grad school, do odd jobs in the meantime to survive, and then accrue $60,000 in student loan debts. Cheap student football tickets are appealing, though.

Now, let me just say that I'm not bitter by the lack of jobs out there. In fact, I'm not even annoyed by it. However, I do enjoy eating, and having money makes this whole "buying food" thing a lot easier. But no worries. One of these days, someone is going to annoy the heck out of you. You're gonna wanna sue the pants off of them. Or some other item of clothing that would be less awkward to remove.

Anyway, when that happens, just remember - I'm here for you. Unless I marry rich.

Pork and Beans

2009-05-22T23:39:00.000-05:00

Once again, a law firm decided to risk its reputation by hiring me as a summer clerk. I'd love to share random little nuggets of work-related wisdom with you, like I did during my last clerkship. But you know, I think all you non-lawyer folks out there need a proper introduction as to what law clerks actually do. There are two major categories of clerkships, and if you learn these, you'll have a pretty good idea of how most law students waste their summers.

First, we have what I call the Pork clerkship (and you need to get your minds out of the gutter right now you sickos, this is a family show here at Incidental Justice). This is the country club of summer clerkships. I use the term "pork" because you get paid ridiculous amounts of money for the work you do, and you get fat from all the business lunches you go to. It's quite the deal. You go to happy hours. You network. You kiss ass. You do lots of legal research, but you don't get to do much practical legal work because none of the attorneys there would actually trust you to do anything of substance. If you manage not to piss anyone off during your Pork clerkship, you'll get a job offer at the end of the summer. Congratulations, kid who accepted your permanent job offer! You will earn ungodly amounts of money, work 80-hour weeks, and hate your life for the first five years out of law school!

Then, we have the Beans clerkship. Clerks at Beans clerkships do pretty much everything that an actual lawyer would do. They also do everything that a legal assistant would do. And then they have to do a bunch of other random slave work, too. This was the type of clerkship I had last summer, and I absolutely loved it. Beans clerkships are great gigs because you get to learn the entire legal process from start to finish, and you get darn good at the whole lawyering thing. It's called a Beans clerkship because you get paid...... wait for it...... beans. What you lack in salary is made up for in experience.

Anyway, that's what a law student spends her summer doing. I guarantee that every law student who's done a clerkship will attest to the veracity of this post. The small minority that might disagree are the Pork clerks who downed a few too many cocktails at happy hour tonight. But that's just because the alcohol has impaired their judgment. They'll sober up soon enough.

Great moments in note taking

2009-05-03T20:21:00.000-05:00

Yes, folks, it's that time of year. Finals are in full swing, and once again, I'm an overly-caffeinated, sweats-wearin', nacho-eatin' happy mess. Believe it or not, I've actually been reviewing my notes quite a little bit. And as I read them, sometimes I think, "Dang, I actually was paying attention!" And other times, I read my notes and just think, "Dang."

Ladies and gentlemen, great moments in note taking:

"The people is there, but the property is not."
"How . . . la la la."
"Draw-er of the will. . . what about that evidence? Wasn't paying attention. . . "
"If you has a partner do stuff, your salary is the profits"
"[Zoned out]"
"If wants to do the flip side, no barried"

And my own personal favorite:

"What if she spends half of her time leaving class to vom?"

Happy finals week, y'all.

O negative

2009-02-07T11:28:00.000-06:00

In case I haven't made it abundantly clear in previous posts, you need to know that I'm not all that interested in prestige. Seriously. I got most of that out of my system back in high school. Maybe this indifference to prestige is the result of years of maturing and wisdom. Or maybe I've just become a lazy bum. Probably the latter. But that's not the point. The point is, I'm not going to do something that ranks high on the suck scale just because I think other people will think highly of me.

Now, taking this into consideration, I have no idea why in the heck I signed up for my law school's moot court competition. For those of you who don't know, in moot court, one has to write a big ass paper full of legal arguments and then have a panel of judges rip her to shreds as she defends said paper. Anyway, I kind of hate moot court. But I thought it would be a good idea to sign up for the competition last semester. We (and by "we" I mean the idiots who decided to compete) were told by the the people in charge of the competition that if we didn't totally suck at it, we would qualify for another competition this semester. And then they told us that this semester's competition is "prestigious." I don't know if I buy it. It's probably just some ploy to get all of us egotistical law students to punish ourselves. Apparently, we love that kind of thing.

Anyway, for whatever reason, the judges in the competition last semester thought I wasn't entirely terrible. And why they thought that is beyond my comprehension. Not only was I reading from my notes the entire time, but one of the judges had caught me impersonating him the day before the competition (I am not making this up). Maybe he thought my impersonation was flattering, who knows. But anyway, I was given the option to compete in this semester's moot court nonsense, and, being a Glutton for Punishment, I thought it'd be a good idea to take the bait.

Now, I don't know what has happened in the 1.5 years I've been in law school to suddenly make horrible ideas seem like good ideas, but by gosh, I'm just dazzled by them. I mean, I didn't always make the best decisions in undergrad, but heck, at least there was an element of fun in them. Well, except for that time that I randomly decided to donate blood and then collapsed on the floor as I was walking to get some juice (the nice Red Cross people had to carry me onto a bed and try to get the color back in my face all while making sure I didn't puke on any of them).

That being said, I hope there is something really positive that will come as a result of this B.S. I've inflicted on myself. Maybe I'll wind up having a fabulous time arguing this legal ridiculousness to the judges and be impressive. Or maybe I won't. So long as I don't wind up collapsing on the floor after the argument, at least it'll be more fun than donating blood. But unlike donating blood, I'm not going to save a life when I make my argument.

Maybe I'll save my dignity if I can make myself get back to work.

Guide to Studying for Finals

2008-12-17T17:06:00.002-06:00

Now, you don't think I'm honestly going to give you a list that would tell you how to succeed in your classes, do you? No sir! I'd like to think my guide to studying is a lesson in how to have an enjoyable finals experience, despite the fact that law professors are evil sadists who want to make sure your misery meets its maximum potential by the time you take your exam. Remember - just because your friends don't think you're fun anymore (and you're probably not) doesn't mean that you should be stripped of all of your happiness.

Plan your distractions - Okay, I don't believe for a second that you're disciplined enough to study nonstop (and if you are, you're either a gunner or on law review and you need to get the hell away from my blog). If you don't plan out your procrastination, you'll be lifelessly surfing facebook instead of doing something fun. Make sure whatever you plan is something really, really great. I'd recommend having a drunken heart to heart with the person sitting next to you at the bar, throwing fruit off of your campus's parking deck, or hanging out with someone who isn't a loser.
Eat a variety of foods from the four food groups of finals - Fast food, nachos, chocolate, and caffeine. All part of a well-balanced diet. Eat generously. You have all of Christmas break to eat celery and go to the YMCA.
Embrace your inner fashion diva! - Right now, I am wearing teal and pink pajama pants, a blue and gray hoodie, brown fuzzy boots, and a red and white knit hat. I look and feel fabulous.
Watch as much Boston Legal as possible - Okay, maybe it's just me, but I get so dang inspired every time I see Alan Shore give a closing argument. That man is MAGIC. His mesmorizing courtroom skills always give me that extra push to do a little bit more studying, because I'll never have the opportunity to be like him if I don't graduate from law school. If you watch the show often enough, you might get to catch a Denny Crane closing. Those are great, too.
Try to make it a point to shower every day*** - There's nothing better to refresh your spirits than a nice, hot shower. Besides, the time you spend washing your hair is time you don't have to spend looking at some P.O.S. outline.

***I make no promises as to whether that actually happens, because if the only contact I have with people in a given day is with the skanks and drug addicts that happen to be in the Sleazy Mart down the street while I'm purchasing my Diet Coke, then showering takes a backseat to the U.C.C., or whatever other legal nonsense I'm reviewing at the time.

I didn't vomit this time

2008-11-17T19:34:00.000-06:00

So you know how I walked/ran a 5K a few weeks ago and got all tired and vomitlike afterward? But still declared myself to be the world's biggest badass?

Okay, I really am the world's biggest badass now.

I ran a 10K+ this past weekend. And by "ran" I mean I actually did run the entire thing.

Now, I don't know if I've told you this, but I'm kind of a diva. Not a diva in the "Oh, I wear lots of makeup and I'm high maintenance and you'd better meet all of my demands" kind of way. I'm a diva in the "Hey, this is my moment in the sun right now, and I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to make everyone around me enjoy it, too, so you'd better believe that I'm going to show off" kind of a way.

This became very apparent at the end of the race. Now, I was as shocked as all getout that I was able to run as long as I did, so by the time the final mile rolled around, I was all beaming and glowing and whatnot, because I knew I was going to be able to run the whole damn thing. And for the last quarter mile, spectators were lined up around either side of the road, holding up signs and cheering the participants on. And as I started running by this pack of spectators, the race annoucer called out over the microphone "Ladies and gentleman, here comes [Glutton for Punishment] from [Greatest Place in the South]!"

Oh, this was my moment.

I waved to all of the people in the crowd. Everyone started cheering even louder. I enthusiastically threw my arms into the air as I was approaching the finish line. Yes indeed, I am [Glutton for Punishment] from [Greatest Place in the South], and I am finishing this race! I loved the crowd, and I was gonna give them a hell of a finish. I crossed that finish line with style.

Oh, and did I mention there were photographers at the finish line? You better believe that I looked damn good when the photos were snapped. I was smiling bigger than I'd smiled in my entire life. Yes indeed, this was my moment.

The nicest volunteers in the world put a medal around my neck after I finished the race. They were absolutely fabulous. And after I got my medal, there were more race photographers who took my picture. Seriously, these folks were everywhere - it was like the marathon paparazzi. I gave those folks the happiest, hammiest pose my exhausted body could muster.

My best friend finished the race shortly thereafter. She did an amazing job. So I guess, to be fair, my best friend and I share the title of world's biggest badass. And it's a great feeling.

Now, back to my life, and time to prepare for the marathon that is finals. It's not nearly as fun as racing, but it'll do for now.

Falling a step behind

2008-10-25T12:53:00.000-05:00

I, Glutton for Punishment, am the world's biggest badass because I ran my first 5K today and managed not to puke as I crossed the finish line.

I waited until I got to my car to do that. That's the more badass thing to do.

I actually had quite a good training plan worked out for this 5K, but this itty bitty thing called law school got in the way. And along with this itty bitty law school thing came advancing in trial competition (dang it), competing in negotiations competition (we got cut in the second round because we were "too mean," though we got everything our client wanted and then some), a couple of takehome exams, some ridiculous pleadings assignments, and some other ridiculous crap that is inherent in the normal course of law school dealings.

Anyway, I did make it through the entire 5K course without stopping, and I was on the biggest adrenaline high EVER the hours following, partly because of all the exercise I got, and partly because coming to the realization that you are the world's biggest badass is pretty exciting.

And then the evening came.

Long story short, I went to a football game with my parents, and afterward, my mother had to lift me into the backseat of her SUV because I couldn't move my legs into the car by myself without being in excruciating pain. But I'm better today. My walking style that could be best described as a "shuffle" yesterday has now evolved into a full on "waddle" or "hobble," so I am on the up and up, yes siree.

Needless to say, I'm rethinking this whole notion of me being the world's biggest badass. Guess we'll find out next weekend.... when I run my second 5K.

One shining moment

2008-10-03T22:26:00.000-05:00

So last week I decided that I never, ever want to be a trial lawyer.

The decision may or may not have had something to do with the fact that I failed to make a complete sentence at any point during my pre-trial conference for trial class. And the pre-trial conference was bad enough that I had to go and buy chocolate so I could feel better. Actually, I probably would have bought the chocolate regardless. But I digress.

Unfortunately, I made this decision about one day after I had signed up to be in the law school's mock trial competition. So after I had eaten the chocolate (Hershey's with almonds, by the way) and said "Screw trial work," I realized I was still stuck with this dang competition. Yeah, not pleased. And I really didn't want to do any more work than I had to, so I was kind of hoping that I wouldn't do well enough to advance to the next round. In fact, my only real goal for the competition was not to fall flat on my face. Or my ass. Or anything else. But mainly my face or my ass.

So round one of the competition was this last week. I was as nervous as all getout and I was running on almost no sleep. And it was pretty obvious during trial. I said something mistrial worthy in one of my direct examinations. I forgot the relevance of every piece of evidence I tried to enter.

I got an email today from the Board of Advocates congratulating me on advancing to the next round.

Dang it.

Bringing all the boys to the yard

2008-08-26T18:58:00.000-05:00

At this very moment, I am laying on my bed like a lazy punk, filled with some pork burrito thing I ordered from the local taqueria, and I have no intention of getting my sorry self out of bed anytime soon. I'd really like a vanilla milkshake right now, but unless someone wants to make me said milkshake (technically, I need a soymilkshake), come to my apartment, figure out some way to undo the lock, walk into my bedroom and hand me the damn thing, then it ain't happenin', because like I said, I have have no intention of getting my sorry self out of bed anytime soon.

Now, you might be wondering why I have no intention of getting my sorry self out of bed anytime soon. And you know, I think that usually needs no explanation, since sometimes you just feel like being a lazy punk. But, dear friends, this is a special occasion for being a lazy punk... School started back this week. Get excited. Now you get to read about my adventures in (or griping about, if you prefer to call it that) school AND work.

I can't wait.

Overheard in Law School

2008-02-12T08:25:00.000-06:00

So have you heard of the blog "Overheard in Law School?" Well, I'm not linking to it. I submitted some funny stuff to them, and they never published it (jerks). Fine. They can have their ugly purple-and-green blog, and I'll post some fabulous things I've overheard on my oh-so dazzling sea-of-pink blog.

Professor: What do you think the court's policy was behind holding the way they did?
1L, very seriously: Wasn't it justice?

1L [via IM]: It's the paradox of law school. A reasonably prudent person would never subject themselves to law school.
Other 1L: It's an attractive nuisance.

Professor, asking about a child abuse case: Why do you think they use abbreviations for names in this case, Ms. [1L]?
1L: Well, probably because their names were too long.

Silence is Golden

2007-12-02T00:58:00.000-06:00

Recent discovery: Once you become a law student, everyone in the world who isn't a classmate of yours is capable of asking you only one question:

So, how's law school?

Yep, always asked, no matter what. Family functions, dinner with friends, running into former professors, phone calls from a guy you used to date (randomly: I have NO idea why he's calling, because it's not like we ever had anything to talk about while we actually were dating. I don't know why he thinks that 8 months later we magically have common interests).

Anyway, when first I discovered this truth, it kind of bothered me a bit. You know, I've always had a lot of interesting things going on in my life, like my music, writing, social functions, etc, but no one really asks about any of that anymore. And that kind of ticked me off when I first realized it. But then, I began to think about it a little bit... and I came to a startling realization: If anyone asked me anything other than this question, I would have nothing to tell them.

That's right, folks, yours truly is officially boring now. Wanna ask me about life estates and future interests? Go right ahead, I could spout out a dazzling answer for you. Ask me anything about my social life? I'll probably say I don't have one.

I was visiting with a friend who attends another law school the other day, and he told me "I don't want to talk about law school." Well, dang it. That just eliminated about 90% of anything I could possibly say.

So yes, this woman who used to pride herself on her conversational skills is now at a loss for words. Very strange feeling indeed. I kind of miss talking, but, I suppose I have more pressing things to do at the moment. Anyway, I guess if you wanted to get something out of reading this post, it would be this: If you want me to shut the hell up, just tell me that you don't want to talk about law school. Works every time.

My Favorite Mistakes

2007-11-25T20:41:00.000-06:00

I have qualities that will make me an excellent employee at any law firm: punctuality, ability to be superpolite to people who piss me off, and low stress levels (and I don't even have to take pills for that!). However, there are some flaws that will probably get me in a lot of trouble when I'm interviewing for jobs. Mark my words, I will work on these over Christmas break, and I will be a new woman next semester:

Laughing at really inappropriate times - I happen to think life is pretty amusing. Unfortunately, my amusement manifests itself at really, really unfortunate times, including but not limited to the following: church sermons, Property lectures, hook-ups, break-ups, while I'm brushing my teeth.... you name it. Imagine the horror my future employer will experience when I bust up laughing hearing that her son got hit by a truck - or something like that. Yeah, not cool.
(NOTE: This isn't really related, but a kid in my Oral Comm class started out a speech one time by saying "Have you ever had a part of your body run over by a truck?" Greatest intro EVER.)

A tendency to begin every sentence with the word "so" - So if you've read my posts, you know what I'm talking about. This isn't a fire-worthy quality, but it's probably annoying enough for me not to be invited to any business lunches.

Poor taste in clothing - Believe it or not, I do know how to dress appropriately... I just kind of prefer to not to. It'll probably get me in trouble if I'm not careful. It's gotten me in trouble before. One of the judges in negotiations competition told me I dressed like a hooker. True story.

Well, seeing that I apparently giggle too much, don't speak all that eloquently, and dress too skimpily, I think I've found my perfect job: Hooter's waitress.

Finals Preparation by the Numbers

2007-11-24T23:13:00.000-06:00

Okay, so not only has law school has made me dull and uninspired, but you throw in finals prep, and now I'm lazy, as well. So today, you will not get a real post, just a brief glimpse of what my week has been like.

Days until finals: 9
Pages of text read: 500-ish
Number of commercial study aids used in studying: 4
Cans of Red Bull consumed: 18
Episodes of "To Catch a Predator" watched while I should have been studying: 3
YouTube videos of my favorite bands watched while I should have been studying: Too many to count
Dead mice found in my apartment: 0
Actual number of dead mice in my apartment: Probably 2
Humiliating moments: 1
Attempts at figuring out supplemental jurisdiction: Not enough, apparently
Pieces of good advice I gave: 7
Pieces of good advice my friends will actually take: 0
Text messages sent: 45
Minutes I spent typing this instead of reviewing future interests: 20 (would have been less, but I had to find another can of Red Bull and edit out the inappropriate stuff...)

So that's pretty much it. Love, nice comments, and shots of tequila are always appreciated.

Faces in the Crowd

2007-10-23T09:16:00.000-05:00

I may be law school's slave, but rock and roll will always be my true love. I went to a fabulous concert last week, and I'm still buzzing from it. There is no way to truly describe the emotional experience one goes through while sitting through a a good show; any attempt I could make would result in a page full of rambling (not like y'all don't get that from me already...). Anyway, I got to sit near some colorful characters during the show. Here were a few of my favorites:

Stoned person #1 - So there were some guys trying to figure out where they were supposed to sit, and being the good person that I am (that, and they were annoying me), I was going to tell them they needed to go back a row. I look up at one of the guys, and before I can say a word, he says "Don't look at us. We're really high. Don't look at us."
Little old man and lady - Dude, there were some white haired folks a few rows in front of me jammin' out to the music. And I'm not talking about people who look like old rockers - these folks were of the windbreaker-wearing variety.
Stoned person #2 - This guy in the row in front of me turns to my friend for no apparent reason, goes "What's uuuuuup?" and then turns back around to mind his business.
Screaming guy - Oh, this guy was a rocker from way back, and he was reeeeeally excited about this concert. A large group of people were headed to the concert, and this guy just starts yelling "WOOOO! [Band name]! WOOO! Why aren't you all screamin'??? They ain't never gonna come back to [this city] if you all don't start screamin'!" He continued this screaming all the way to the venue and throughout the first opening act. He got dead silent after that though. Guess he didn't want the band to come back, after all.
Stoned person #3 - I know someone near me was lighting up because the scent would hit me every couple of minutes or so. Stoned person #3 was a sneaky kid, though - I never could figure out who he was. On a related note, once the smoke died down, I could smell a corn dog.

Anyway, like I said, rock may be my true love, but I can't ignore my duties to law school. So for now, the music takes a backseat to the world of academics. But no complaints. In the words of the great Stephen Stills, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." Here's to loving Law School.

My Graduation is a Phone Call Away...

2007-10-18T17:07:00.000-05:00

Shoot, I've been taking the wrong approach to this whole education thing. I got an email in my university account today that might *change my life*:

Obtain the_degree you deserve, based on your present knowledge and life experience.
A prosperous future, money earning power, and the Admiration of all.
Degrees from an Established, Prestigious, Leading Institution.
Your Degree will show exactly what you really can do.

Get the Job, Promotion, Business and Social Advancement you Desire!

Get your Bachelors,Masters,MBA, or PhD in the field of your expertise

Call now - your Graduation is a phone call away.

Please call: +1(413)376-9218

That's right, kiddos, I could be getting my degree from "an Established, Prestigious, Leading Institution." The folks who sent the email might not feel the need to tell me what this institution is, but by gosh, they capitalized every important word in that sentence, so this place must be a HUGE deal.

On top of that, it looks like I have degree options for the field of my expertise! You heard it first - I will be the pioneer of the "How to avoid any sort of serious relationship for 23 years" Ph.D or a Masters in "Rockin' out when I should be studying." And according to this email, this degree will bring me lots of money and the Admiration (that's right, it's capitalized, damn it) of all.

I'm gonna get on my phone right now and call this place. Scratch that, I'm going to email them back. Folks tend to be shady on the telephone, and I'll feel a lot more comfortable if they make more promises to me via email. After all - if it's on the Internet, it must be true.

EDIT: The person who sent this is named "Concepcion Hinkle." How cool is that?

The Kindness of Strangers

2007-10-11T10:09:00.000-05:00

So I was going to tell you this long, drawn-out story about my preparations for negotiations competition, but I think instead I'll just tell you what happened at the end of story and leave it at that.

I, all dolled up in my lawyer attire, wound up sitting in the student union with a tattooed stranger who
1) Invited me to study with him, even though I'd never met him before
2) Repeatedly called me "sweetie" (Note: I was NOT cool with that)
3) Took a great interest in whether I drank and how old I was
4) Kept on trying to offer me the Jack and Coke he had stashed in a pop bottle
5) Chugged said Jack and Coke while grading essays for an intro-level class he taught

Yeah.

Anyway, after the negotiations were all was said and done, things didn't go too shabbily. No regrets about how things played out. We got a lot of good advice from the judges. I know I'm strong in certain areas, I know what my weaknesses are, and I know what I'll do different next time. That being said, I'll probably stick to my guns about not accepting offers of Jack and Coke from random guys in the student union. I know better than to take candy from strangers.

Career Options

2007-08-27T15:42:00.000-05:00

It's a mighty good thing I don't hate law school yet. If this gig doesn't work out, I really don't have that many other career options. There actually was one point last week when I thought that maybe law school wasn't for me, but then I thought about what I would be doing if I weren't here...

Journalist - I technically am qualified for this job, but somehow, in my quest for writing unbiased news stories, I write favorably toward the side I disagree with. My biggest fear is that I would get angry reading some right-wing blabber in the newspaper one day and then remember I was the one who wrote the dang piece.
Housewife - Well, see, there are a couple of problems with this one. If I were to be a housewife, we'd have to be working on the assumptions that a) I want to be married right now and b) I'm good at cooking and cleaning. Ain't gonna happen.
Grad School Student - As much hell as it can be to brief cases all the livelong day, at least I'm not writing a master's thesis right now. And that pretty much tickles me to death.

So yeah, I should stay in law school. I suppose if things go horribly wrong, I could move to Atlanta and be the starting QB for the Falcons. I hear there's an opening for the job.

Greek Life, Part 2

2007-08-17T15:34:00.000-05:00

First impression of law school? It's a sorority minus all the poofed hair. Orientation week just ended, and seriously, I haven't heard this kind of rhetoric since I first joined a Greek organization.

Most of the speakers during the course of orientation were saying things along the lines of, "Oh, you'll make so many lifelong friendships," and "This will be a great bonding experience," blah, blah. And you know, I remember these exact same speeches from undergrad - they were the sisterhood talks. We'd be sisters for life, and no, we didn't go to college to find a husband, we came to college to find our bridesmaids (actually, I went to college because I wanted to be a political communications director, but that's beside the point). Although, none of the law speakers told us to treasure the time we have in school. I guess they know we're not that gullible.

But no! It wasn't all fun and games - after all of that friendship stuff, the orientation speaker would make a comment along the lines of how much work law school is going to be and how we might want to quit sometimes. And that was pretty much correct, because at 11 that night, I was doing my homework and finally figured out that I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

But you know, I hated sorority rush more than anything, and I got through that just fine. If I can handle talking to a bunch of bitchy girls who weren't going to join my house anyway, I can handle briefing a few cases. Maybe the law school should throw some Coke dates or crush functions into the mix just to make sure we stick with it.