The adventures (and non-adventures) of a marginally seasoned attorney.


Saturday, October 4, 2014

The SEC Family Gathering

The SEC is family - a family that is quick to defend its name, especially when anyone claims that the SEC isn't the absolute best in the whole dang country. However, even the best of families have a little bit of crazy thrown in the mix somewhere, and I think if each SEC school was a real member of a real family, we'd have one disfunctional mess of a Thanksgiving gathering this year.

It might be a bit scary to think about how that family gathering might go, but it's fun to play around with the idea. So with that, I introduce you to the members of your SEC family, based on the personalities of the teams and the fan bases:

Arkansas: The conspiracy theorist uncle - Arkansas always thinks that someone is out to get him - especially the media. He spends hours on the internet developing his theories and sharing them with others. He has lots of guns in his house to protect him from Obama's America.

Alabama: Your arrogant, successful brother that divides the family - About half of the family tolerates him because they think he makes them cool by association. The other half is tired of his crap and wishes he'd fall of the face of the earth.

Auburn: The whiney child - Auburn is that punk kid in the family who makes up some story that his brother hit him, and then he runs and tells mommy how mean his brother was. For whatever aggravating reason, mommy always believes him.

LSU: Your cousin that's always in jail - Look, I'm not saying that he's done stuff worthy of federal prison, but he's not exactly doing "Oh, he's being a dumb kid" crimes like being drunk in public. More like slashing tires and throwing urine on people. You always have to worry about him getting into a fist fight at family gatherings (and being late, too).

Texas A&M: The one no one likes to talk about - He's technically still a member of the family, but he doesn't really fit in, he lives far away, and he has a lot of embarrassing rituals. You think he might actually be a part of a cult.

Kentucky: Your other successful brother that doesn't divide the family - Kentucky is just as successful as Alabama - though in different ways - but he doesn't seem to tick off the family like Alabama does.

Vanderbilt: Your smart cousin (but no one is actually sure what he does for a living) - You know that your cousin is smart. Like really freakin' smart. No one actually understands what he does, though. He's kind of antisocial but everyone gets along with him.

Georgia: Your boring in-law - I mean, he's always at family gatherings, and he's a good enough guy, but no one really has a strong opinion about him either way.

Florida: The sleazy one that all the kids hate - Screw you, Florida. (Unless you're in the title game against a Big XII team, but otherwise, screw you).

Mizzou: The unsuccessful brother with a sense of entitlement - Mizzou hasn't really done much in his life, but you'd never know that from talking to him. He also knows more than you do.

Ole Miss: Your pretentious aunt - We get it. You use cloth napkins at your tailgates. Also - HAHAHAHA Houston Nutt HAHAHAHA.

Mississippi State: Your unpretentious aunt who hates your pretentious aunt - But no one actually hates Mississippi State, even though she's noisy and annoying.

South Carolina: Your sweet little sister - South Carolina is just the sweetest. South Carolina never says a harsh word to her enemies (even when they probably deserve some harsh words). However, even though South Carolina is the nicest, she's actually pretty competitive, albeit inconsistently.

Tennessee: Your divorced uncle - Bless his heart. You used to think he was a jerk, but then he fell on hard times and now you actually feel bad for him. Don't worry, though. Once he gets back on his feet, he'll be the good ol' jerk that you always knew. 

1 comment:

Megan said...

Auburn is the best one. Love this post!