The adventures (and non-adventures) of a marginally seasoned attorney.

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Sunday, November 4, 2012

Trash talking, part 1: The rules


I went to an athletic event this weekend, and it was one of those "friendly" competition type things where you're supposed to be cheering everyone on, even your opponents. And don't get me wrong, I think it was appropriate for that forum, but I have a reeeally difficult time engaging in spectatorship if I can't throw a little bit of hatin' in there.

I firmly believe that trash talking is sacred, though, and there are some general guidelines we should all follow when participating in this time-honored tradition. In part 1 of this two-part series on trash talking, I'm going to explain the general rules of smack talk:

1. You can always trash talk your archrival - There are no exceptions to this rule, period. And if anyone tells you otherwise, that person is just a pansy and you don't need to be listening to anything they ever say.
2. You can trash talk perennial favorites if for no other reason than it's annoying as crap to see the same teams win year after year.
3. You can trash talk a team that's better than yours, and I say this one with hesitation because I think it's unnecessarily self-deprecating to yell "OVER-RATED!" when your team beats a better team. Anything else is just fine, though.
4. You can trash talk anyone or any team associated with a person who ruined your team at some point in time - I'm looking at you, Houston Nutt.
5. You can trash talk a team if you're playing them in a big f'n deal of a game - And if you don't, then I don't really know why you're watching sports in the first place.
6. You can trash talk a team if there's a personal reason you hate them - Okay, the assistant coach knocked up your sister and said bad things about your momma. You go right ahead and trash talk away. Doesn't have to be that severe of a reason, though. I'll forever trash talk the Yankees because I hate Robinson Cano for snubbing Billy Butler in the 2012 Home Run Derby. This is not childish. This is being a good fan.
7. You can trash talk an opposing team if it it's going to annoy them and affect gameplay  - Same as #5, if you're not doing this, then I don't know why you're watching sports.
8. You can say bad things about your own team if they do in fact suck - I am a Royals fan. I know my team sucks. I get to say my team sucks. I have earned the privilege of saying the Royals suck because I have watched them do it for more than two decades.
9. You can't trash talk another team just because they do not play well - Fans of bad teams know their teams are bad. If the only reason you're smack talking a team is because that team has a losing record and none of the other rules apply, you're just being a douchebag. Do what you can to find another reason to trash talk them, but if you can't, just move on.
10. You can trash talk any individual or fanbase that is especially obnoxious, and I will elaborate on this in part 2 of the series.