The adventures (and non-adventures) of a marginally seasoned attorney.

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Monday, May 28, 2012

The evolution of a lawyer, as told by memes

I've been practicing law for about two years. My attitude about everything relating to the profession has changed during that time. Let's take a look at some examples...

How I feel about having to wear a suit to court.


At first, I was walking into court all:



But now, I'm all:



My thoughts when the witness on the stand doesn't answer like I thought they would.


I used to think to myself:


But now I'm pretty much:



My attitude when the bar association asks me to volunteer for something.


I used to act all:



But now, I'm like:



My reaction when I win a hearing.


My reaction used to be:
(Okay, I'm still like this sometimes)


But now it's like:



My reaction when I lose a hearing.


I used to think:



But now I think:


Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Tompeepery

When George Gershwin was writing Porgy and Bess, an opera that is widely regarded as the greatest and most influential of all American operas, he chose to retreat to the beach to create this musical masterpiece. Just as Gershwin did in the 1930s, I, too, have retreated to the beach, though for only a few days. Perhaps I will find some inspiration just as Gershwin did and create something just as beautiful as he did. That probably won't happen, though. This is because I am distracted today, as I am convinced that there are Peeping Toms out to get me.

I swear I am not being paranoid, because you can only be paranoid if you're wrong. I'm staying at a Bed and Breakfast right now, and it's a lovely Bed and Breakfast, but it has a few things going for it that make me question my privacy:

  1. The desperate-to-stay-open blinds in my bedroom - I will admit that this is not that big of a deal by itself. The blinds were wide open to my room when I got there, and it was tricky to get them closed because access to the blinds was closed by a translucent canopy around the bed. It was fixed, but it took some ninja-esque effort to do so. 
  2. The impeccable sound quality - My room here is frickin' adorable. As far as the soundproof level, though? Let's just say that I would not advise staying in it for a romantic getaway, unless you want everyone else at the inn to know exactly how romantic you are. Or aren't.
  3. The Swiss-cheesed bathroom door - My bedroom at the inn has a private bathroom, but it isn't connected to my room. Instead, it's next door, and the door opens up to the kitchen. I think that's kind of awkward. There's a hole on the left side of the door, which makes things even more awkward. Potential peepshow over scrambled eggs, y'all.
  4. The lovely bathroom window - Yeah, so there's a huuuge wavy-glassed window that's the only barrier between my shower and the rest of the world. I'm sure it's harder to see in than it is to see out, but it reeeeally isn't that hard to see out. I call it a Beer Goggle Window.
  5. The shower chatter - Okay, after spending the afternoon on the beach, I'd finally made peace with the fact that someone inside the house could peer in while I'm showering, and I'd also made peace with the fact that some Peeping Tom roaming about the beach could possibly take a looksee. What I wasn't prepared for was someone trying to converse with me while I was in the shower NOOOO SOMEONE IS TRYING TO CONVERSE WITH ME WHILE I'M IN THE SHOWER. It was a decent conversation, I guess. *shrug*
  6. The camera in my room - wait, what? -  I asked the innkeeper how I could get the cable in my room to work, because Arkansas was playing Sakerlina in baseball and I wanted to see what the heck was going on. The innkeeper put something on top of my TV that's supposed to be the remote control reader. She said to me, "This looks like a camera, and everyone thinks this is a camera, but it's not!" but all I can think now is "OH GOD THERE'S A CAMERA IN MY ROOM OH GOD OH GOD!"

I will probably wear like five layers of clothing all times for the remainder of my stay, and because I'm so distracted, Porgy and Bess part 2 will likely not be happening. However, since I will not be spending my time creating, this means that I have more time to sip on umbrella drinks by the beach. That's what's important, right? Right.