North Korea wants to suck your bloodAlright, so Kim Jong-il, "supreme leader" of North Korea, bit the dust a couple of weeks ago. Some reported that the cause of death was exhaustion. Some reported that Kim died of a heart attack. My money is on diarrhea or a yeast infection gone bad, but given the tightly-controlled media situation in North Korea, we'll probably never know.
Anyway, the higher ups decided that Kim's funeral would be the perfect opportunity to enhance North Korea's image. They decided the best way to do this would be to parade an oversized poster of their leader while women who attended the Jim Carrey School of Overacting "wept" in the streets. This all got great attention from the western media, so you're not learning anything new by me telling you this.
What's not getting that much attention is the rockin' commentary to accompany the funeral telecast. Which is tragic, because North Korea got COUNT DRACULA HIMSELF to narrate the event. Fast forward to 1:03:
That's kind of a big deal, North Korea. You might want to play that up a bit more. Can't go wrong with the ringing endorsement of a blood sucker.
Baylor wins Alamo Bowl
So I hear that this was a great game, but I refused to watch. It's just awful what that guy did to those kids, and I can't support it.
Founder of the Alamo Bowl
I hear that Heisman winner Robert Griffin III put on quite the show, and that he's increased his stock for the 2012 draft. But this is certainly tainted by the fact that such a terrible man organized... wait, what? Oh. Wrong Alamo. My apologies to Davy Crockett.
Iowa running out of frontrunnersOhhh, get ready, all y'all political junkies out there, it's almost time for the Iowa Caucuses, heck yes it is. Iowa is being really fickle this year, according to polling data. There's been a new frontrunner every four days or so, and analysts think that this is because none of the candidates are really inspiring the voters. Or caucusizers. Or whatever they're called in Iowa.
|Iowans prepare for the caucuses|
Iowa is running out of frontrunners, and this is absolutely BAFFLING the television commentators, because they don't know who's going to win this thing. Let me give you my prediction, based on my expert analysis of every Republican Iowa Caucus in history: an old white guy will win. You can take that to the bank. Oh, and corn farmers will get some sweet moolah, too.
Sears and Kmart to close a heck of a lot of stores
GOOOOOD MORNING SEARS AND KMART FAMILY!
|Ty Pennington, spokesperson for Sears|
You see, each week on his show, Ty Pennington and his buddies change the life of a family in need by building them a BRAND NEW HOME. And you, newly-fired Sears and Kmart employees, will be the perfect candidates for this show! So send in your applications, folks, YOU could be the next contestant on Extreme Makeover!
Each week, not only do contestants get a BRAND NEW HOME, they get the latest, fanciest gadgets in their house free of cost! Now, let's ask ourselves: WHO has been be so kind and generous to provide all of these gadgets FREE OF COST for all these years?
Sears. You know, the place that just fired you. So even if you don't get selected for the show, it's okay. Take comfort in the fact that even though Sears just crushed your dreams, they're making someone else's come true.