The adventures (and non-adventures) of a marginally seasoned attorney.

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Sunday, October 30, 2011

Aggravation in the Workplace

Okay, we all get a little aggravated at work.  We can't always express these feelings of aggravation the way we want to, and leaving them bottled up inside can create all kinds of problems, such as, say, getting fired once the bottle is uncorked. Now, I suppose that if you get fired, then you won't be dealing with those workplace frustrations anymore. But then you're dealing with a whole other mess of problems, like not being able to sleep at night because you're forced to move into your parents' basement that scared the crap out of you when you were a kid because there were weird noises coming from it and it also smelled.

But OH THANK GOODNESS, none of this has to happen to you, my friend! Today, I'm going to share with you some of my favorite ways to tackle workplace aggravation in a positive manner. Believe me, they work. As a practicing lawyer, I've had *plenty* of opportunity to test these out.

  • Find your inner Care Bear - Remember the Care Bears? Those cute, cuddly little bears that had their own TV series? Yeah, they were pretty awesome. What is also awesome that there are about 67 different Care Bear characters now. And not every Care Bear is a frickin' ray of sunshine, personality-wise. When I am aggravated, I post a picture of one of those mean little Care Bears - usually Grumpy Bear - to my office-wide chat profile. At first glance, everyone thinks "Oh, what a cute bear!" but it's my way of passive aggressively yelling "AAAH GRUMPY GRUMPY GRUMPY GRUMPY!" to the entire office.
  • Ship frivolous stuff to your workplace - I absolutely love buying random, nonsensical stuff on the internet, and it's *so* much fun having it arrive at the office. Seriously, how can you have a bad day when a box filled with bandaids that look like bacon is sitting on your desk? It's impossible.
  • Lift heavy stuff - Every day when I leave work, I go straight to my local CrossFit box and lift heavy stuff. Now, I could lie to you and say that I CrossFit for the purpose of releasing aggression in a positive way, but really, I do it because I want to have abs and be a badass. HOWEVER, the release of workplace frustration is an added bonus. Come to think of it, CrossFit helps me throughout the work day, even when I'm not lifting; when I have a bad day at work, I can think to myself "Hey, at least I have sweet muscles now," and then I feel better.
  • When all else fails, eat ice cream - Look, I can try to be as positive as I want to be, but sometimes, a gal's gotta eat ice cream. I keep about three tubs of ice cream in the office freezer at any given time. Guess it's a good thing I'm going to CrossFit right after work.
Every now and then, none of these will work. And that's why God invented vacation days. I recommend using this time to go someplace with a beach, preferably one where someone will bring you umbrella drinks.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Adventures of Princess Crankypants

Dear person who thought it would be a good idea to call me at 3:00 A.M. on the dot:

Thank you for your phone call that I did not answer but that opened up my baby blues niiiice and early. I'm sure it was a super duper important call, even though you didn't leave a voicemail. I, too, love calling a person early in the morning when said person has court in the morning and needs to rest up and OMG I AM SO TIRED AND I CANNOT GET BACK TO SLEEP NOW RAWWRRRRRRRR!


You did motivate me to bake some 4 A.M. brownies, though. So thanks for that.

Smooches,
Princess Crankypants
a.k.a [Glutton for Punishment]

Sunday, October 9, 2011

CURSE YOU, YOU NO-GOOD, TERRIBLE ... Oh, wait.

As you may know, I am a big fan of makeup. So imagine my *delight* when I saw this coupon pop up on LivingSocial:

OMG CHEAP MAKEUP!!


Thirty bucks worth of makeup, all for the low price of FIFTEEN DOLLARS.  E.l.f. cosmetics are SUPER cheap in the first place, so with $30 bucks of product, I could probably fill up the trunk of my car (assuming I cleaned it out first). In the spirit of bargainhood, I purchased my coupon and strolled on over to the e.l.f. website to fill my virtual shopping cart with all kinds of goodies.

I entered my coupon code, proceeded to check out, and...



Whaaaa?! Twenty dollars does not equal thirty dollars!! I WANT MY FULL THIRTY DOLLARS, RAWRRRR! I want this fixed, and I want it fixed NOW! So I logged into gmail and sent a friendly message to our friends at LivingSocial that went a little somethin' like this:


Dear LivingSocial:


I paid a lot of money for an e.l.f. cosmetics coupon, but those no-good, dirty you-know-whats have decided not to give me the full value of the coupon so now I AM MAD. Fix this this and fix this NOW. Pretty please :-)


Smooches,
[Glutton]



That was paraphrased, of course. Anyway, LivingSocial promptly sent an email back saying:


We're sorry that you're having trouble redeeming this deal! As stated in the Fine Print [emphasis added], the entire value must be used in a single transaction, so you must purchase at least $30 of products within one transaction. 

You want me to read the fine print, LivingSocial? Do ya? I'm a friggin' attorney, I LIVE for fine print. You think I didn't take the time to read it? Because I DID.

LivingSocial clearly was not going to help me, so I decided to go straight to the man himself - e.l.f. cosmetics. I copy and pasted the email I sent to LivingSocial, sent it to e.l.f., and was prepared for BATTLE. DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME TO READ THE FINE PRINT, YOU JERKS, I know that...

Wait a minute.

Apparently, in my quest to read the fine print, I forgot to read the really big print. Remember this picture?

Notice how it says "Mineral or Studio Makeup"? Um, yeah. I'd filled part of my shopping cart up with non-Mineral and non-Studio makeup. Hence, zero discount on those products. So yeah.

I've finally calmed down from battle mode, I've fixed my shopping cart to be coupon-compliant, and I've sent a very friendly thank-you email to e.l.f.  In the future, I will try not to let my vanity get in the way of my reading comprehension skills.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Postseason Promotions

I like to be taken out to the ballgame. I like to be taken out with the crowd. I'm not the biggest fan of peanuts and Cracker Jack, but there are plenty of suitable replacements, such as nachos and the Royal'Rita. And when I can't go out to the ballgame, I'm perfectly content with watching it on TV, although heckling isn't nearly as fun when you're shouting at a screen.

Anyway, it's MLB postseason, which is my favorite time of year, despite the fact that my beloved Royals haven't made an appearance there in a while. Like any great sporting event, however, there are always ways to improve on the game experience and throw in a little more over-the-topness. So, in the spirit of improving on what is already awesome, why not adopt the following promotions in the MLB postseason?

  • Kraft Foods Sponsors Doubles - Ballparks everywhere have promotions associated with home runs. For example, you might win fried chicken or a Sonic drink if your team hits a home run in the 6th inning. And that's all well and good, but I want a prize when a double is hit, darn it. And I think this prize should be a nice, hot bowl of macaroni and cheese. Most delicious promotion EVER.
  • Fogerty Follies - MLB *loves* to show highlights, but it's seriously lacking in good ol' fashioned gag reels. Let's fix this by broadcasting bloopers on the Jumbotron. John Fogerty's "Centerfield" will be accompanying this reel, natch.
  • Bud Selig Dunking Booth - The name says it all. I'd be the first one in line. Sponsored by Miller Light.
  • Heckle the Sports Analyst - The only thing that ticks off a fan more than a bad call by an ump is a broadcaster or writer who gives a really lame analysis of the game or is *clearly* biased toward the other team. At the end of the 5th, let's just let everyone get their frustrations out. Send the analysts out to the pitchers mound, and just let everyone scream at them for a couple of minutes. See, now doesn't that feel better? Maybe if the fans can get that out of their systems at the game, they'll spend less time whining about it online.
I think these would be solid promotions. Hopefully, MLB will implement this next year, just in time for the Royals to make it back into the postseason.