The adventures (and non-adventures) of a marginally seasoned attorney.

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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Glutton F. Punishment, Esq.

Lawyers love their middle initials, and they love signing those initials on every single court document or letter they've ever sent. I've never used mine during my career. However, from now on, I'm going to say my middle initial is a drawing of a cupcake. Whereas most lawyers have signatures that look like this:



Mine will look like this:



If I have time to write it out extra pretty, it will look like this:



If I'm running low on time, I'll just write this:



And if I'm hungry, I will write this:

Monday, May 30, 2011

Things that don't belong on Facebook

Okay, my local news station *loves loves loves* to run stories about the DANGERS of Facebook and how our lives are going to be ruined because Facebook is going to infect our computers and minds with filthy thoughts and cause us all to have affairs.  Stories like these are dramatic and unnecessary. If you're going to run a news story about Facebook, please make it about something useful and tell people to stop posting the following:
  • Pictures of your baby's 4D ultrasound - Pictures of babies are cute. Pictures of your baby's 4D ultrasound are creepy. My typical response to anything creepy-outy is to shut my eyes and curl up in fetal position, but anything "fetal" makes me think of the horrifying ultrasound pictures again. If you're going to post an ultrasound picture on Facebook, make sure it's the old-fashioned kind. I've never been able to see the babies in those.
  • Your LSAT score - If you post your score online, your classmates will find it, and they will make fun of you for it, no matter how high or low your score was. I don't make the rules. I just follow them. *shrug*
  • The amount of alcohol you consumed last night - Actually, I shouldn't say that you should never post that. If someone posted "I had a half glass of wine lass night and did not feel and any adverse side effects related to the consumption of alcohol," I'd probably give it a thumbs up.
  • The amount of alcohol your friend consumed last night - He's probably hungover and cranky as is, but if you post "Wow u were so wasted last nite!" to his wall and ruin his chances of getting that job, he'll still be hungover, but his crankiness will be directed at *you*. Ohhh watch out, y'all. 
  • How you feel about your boyfriend any given moment - Today I'm not sure if your boyfriend is a "jerkface lying scumbag poophead" or an "OMG HONEY i luv u sweetie xoxo," so I'm just going to assume that yesterday's "no longer listed in a relationship" post will change in about a week, when you will be back "in a relationship with jerkface lying scumbag poophead."
Any other suggestions?

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Dine Like a Lawyer

I'm not saying I'm the world's greatest chef or anything, but I do know how to make a meal or two. Because I love cooking so much, I'm going to share some of my favorite recipes with you today. After all, everyone should be able to dine like a lawyer!

Mac 'n' Cheese with a KICK!
Ingredients:
1 box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese
4 tbsp. Chipotle Tabasco
Instructions:
Follow the instructions on the box. Then add the tabasco to the macaroni. Remember - if you do anything to your meal that isn't specifically spelled out on the box, you can totally count it as your own special and unique recipe. Except this recipe, of course, because it's mine.
Serves 4


Glutton's BBQ Chicken Delight
Ingredients:
1 chicken breast
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. garlic powder
1/4 c. barbecue sauce
Instructions:
Sprinkle the salt and garlic powder on the chicken breast. Grill the chicken breast, either in a nonstick cooking pan or - my favorite - a George Foreman grill. Grill chicken thoroughly. Let chicken cool. Taste chicken. Realize that the salt and garlic powder had the flavor equivalent of soft water. Dump barbecue sauce on chicken to make up for lack of flavor. Wish that you had gone with KC Masterpiece instead of the generic brand. Quietly suffer through dinner.
Serves 1


Super Mega Terrific Sandwich
Ingredients:
Two slices of sandwich bread
Whatever is lying around in your refrigerator that hasn't expired
Instructions:
Put one slice of bread on a plate. Pile your non-expired food on top of the slice of bread. Place the other slice of bread on top of that. Toast sandwich in the toaster oven for two minutes. Slice in half to serve. Note: Depending on how long it's been since I've gotten a paycheck, sometimes my Super Mega Terrific Sandwich consists only of two slices of bread and a kosher pickle.
Serves 1


Old-Fashioned Oatmeal
Ingredients:
1 c. Oatmeal (The non-instant kind. Longterm oatmeal, if you will.)
2 c. Water
Instructions:
Put the oatmeal and water in a pot. Put the pot on the stove. Turn up the heat on the stove. Let the water/oatmeal mixture bubble for a while. Watch Good Morning America in the living room while it's cooking. Don't worry about keeping up with the time while it's cooking. Smell the scent of charred oatmeal wafting through the house. Yell "OH CRAP IT'S BURNING AGAIN" while running back into the kitchen. Remove the pot from the heat. Scoop out the non-crispy oatmeal and enjoy!
Serves 1-2, depending on how long you were watching GMA



Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Case of the Mondays

Soooo a fight broke out in the courtroom Monday morning. I didn't actually *see* the fight. I was in an adjacent, closet-sized witness room meeting with my client.  I could hear most of what happened though. It started out with angry, belligerent shouts from a man inside the courtroom. This was followed by several loud thuds on the floor, like bodies were hitting the ground.  After this was a pained scream from the belligerent man. All of this I heard while crouched on the ground under a table beside my client because we didn't know what was going on. We just sure as heck knew we didn't want any part of it.

The noises continued into the hallway. I heard several pairs of shoes shuffling in the hallway, along with the belligerent man yelling "YOU CAN CALL MY MOM! YOU CAN CALL MY DAD!" This continued for several minutes. After the sounds died down, I unlocked and opened the door and peeked my head out.

I finally walked into the courtroom, and it was as if nothing had happened. So, of course, I had to ask what had happened. Based on eye-witness reports, this is what I can gather:

A defendant got mad at a bailiff who asked the defendant to take his hat off. The defendant was not pleased. The defendant did not take off his hat. The bailiff told him to take it off again. The defendant then decided he wanted to punch the bailiff.

The other bailiff tried to intervene, but the defendant knocked both bailiffs on the ground. One of the attorneys in the courtroom decided to help the bailiffs in case the defendant lunged for a gun. However, defendant decided he was just going to mosey on out of the courtroom. Enter taser. Or stun gun. I'm not exactly sure. All I know is that the dude wound up on the ground.

This moved into the hallway, and bailiffs from all 'round the courthouse came to help the cause. Belligerent man wasn't having any of that. He yelled a lot. I haven't quite figured out why he wanted everyone to call his parents. But he wanted everyone to call them, darn it.

I told a few of my friends about what happened. One asked me if the guy was held in contempt. I think contempt will wind up being the least of his problems.

And that was my morning in family court.