The adventures (and non-adventures) of a marginally seasoned attorney.

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Sunday, July 31, 2011

Spark Week: Wax Museums

Ohhh Discovery Channel, you thought you'd make Shark Week all fancy this year by getting Andy Samberg involved as "Chief Shark Officer," didn't you?  Well guess what. We here at Incidental Justice are going to one up Shark Week with even more star power than Andy Samberg and even more terror than a shark can create.

Welcome to Spark Week 2011, where we're kicking off things with just about the most horrifying thing we can think of: Wax Museums.

The Wax Museum revolution was born sometime around 1777, when France-native Marie Tussaud up and decided one day that she was going to create a wax statue of Voltaire. She was very pleased at the result, as she managed to make something that looked not quite alive, not quite dead, and spooky as all getout. After realizing that little kids and adults alike were creeped the heck out by this figure, our good ol' buddy Marie thought to herself "Well shoot, why stop there?" and embarked on a mission to make people pee their pants out of fright for generations to come.

Marie continued building wax statues, and in 1802, she turned her wax statue collection into a museum in London. And then a bunch of stuff happened after that, but to make a long story short, we're stuck with crappy wax museums in places like Branson, Missouri and Hot Springs, Arkansas these days. This is because most of us are suckers and think it's a good idea to pay 10 bucks to go see art that's not only spooky but also really, really bad.

Now, because most of us are suckers, we get the privilege of seeing absolute gems at wax museums such as our 39th President:

Jimmy Carter, Axe Murderer

And the 12 Disciples:

OMG WHY IS HIS NECK IS DETACHED
FROM THE REST OF HIS BODY?!

You never know what celebrity you might see at a wax museum. And you never know if one of them is going to be looking at you kind of funny even though you *swear* it was looking in the other direction just a few minutes ago and OH SWEET GOODNESS MAKE THE SHIRLEY TEMPLE STATUE GO AWAY I THINK SHE'S COMING AFTER ME.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that wax museums are campy. And kind of macabre. And you're probably wasting your time and money by visiting one of these museums.

However, never forget: An afternoon wasted at a wax museum is ALWAYS better than an entire week wasted on sharks.

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