The adventures (and non-adventures) of a marginally seasoned attorney.


Thursday, August 5, 2010

Spark Week: Johnny Damon

Ha ha! You knew I'd have a baseball-related post, didn't you? But you thought it would be about the Kansas City Royals, didn't you? Ha ha! This post is about Johnny Damon! I tricked you! I tricked you so good! I tricked you just like Johnny Damon has tricked every single baseball fan who decided to put a little bit of faith in him!

Johnny Damon (c)
I care about Johnny Damon more than I care about sharks. This is because I think Johnny Damon is a terrible human being and I want him to fail at the game of baseball. He is the epitome of all that is wrong with the game today. Except for the whole juicing thing. I don't think he does steroids. Judging by the distance he can throw a ball from the outfield, I actually am POSITIVE he doesn't do steroids. But despite this lack of juice, he's managed to rake in millions more than he's worth every season, thanks in part to some major sucking up.

Johnny Damon wants you to think he is committed to your team. He told this lie to the Royals. He told this lie to the Red Sox. Oh, and he lays the lies on SO thick. But once free agency or a trade deadline comes along, Johnny Damon starts crying. He cries like a 25-year-old recent law school grad who just watched the finale to The Bachelorette. "Boo hoo!" Johnny Damon tells the press. "This team isn't committed to me! Boo hoo!"

And if you aren't familiar with Johnny Damon's schtick, you probably think to yourself "Why isn't my team committed to him?! Johnny Damon wants to do great things with this team! Johnny Damon is going to WIN A WORLD SERIES with this team!" And then about a month later find out that he's actually signed a 25 gajillion dollar contract with a team that you hate. What's even worse, when Johnny Damon comes back to play his former team, he starts crying again.

"Boo hoo!" Johnny Damon tells the press in your hometown. "I wanted to stay here! This team wasn't committed to me! They forced me out! Boo hoo!" Which is baloney. And I don't know about you, but when Johnny Damon trash talks my beloved team (yes, the Royals), I get mad. Apparently, everyone else in my section of the stadium gets mad, too, because we all boo to our little hearts' content whenever he comes back to Kauffman.

I know that Major League Baseball is ultimately a business, and I don't expect players to stay with one team forever. But shoot, don't lie about why you're leaving a team. I mean, kids watch the game. And if you lie to a kid, you're a bad, bad person.

In fact, you're worse than a shark.

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