The adventures (and non-adventures) of a marginally seasoned attorney.


Friday, August 6, 2010


Okay, y'all. I love you, but I'm going on a mini-vacation in about five minutes. Spark Week will be on hiatus until Monday.

Have a lovely weekend and a Happy Greinke Day!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Spark Week: Johnny Damon

Ha ha! You knew I'd have a baseball-related post, didn't you? But you thought it would be about the Kansas City Royals, didn't you? Ha ha! This post is about Johnny Damon! I tricked you! I tricked you so good! I tricked you just like Johnny Damon has tricked every single baseball fan who decided to put a little bit of faith in him!

Johnny Damon (c)
I care about Johnny Damon more than I care about sharks. This is because I think Johnny Damon is a terrible human being and I want him to fail at the game of baseball. He is the epitome of all that is wrong with the game today. Except for the whole juicing thing. I don't think he does steroids. Judging by the distance he can throw a ball from the outfield, I actually am POSITIVE he doesn't do steroids. But despite this lack of juice, he's managed to rake in millions more than he's worth every season, thanks in part to some major sucking up.

Johnny Damon wants you to think he is committed to your team. He told this lie to the Royals. He told this lie to the Red Sox. Oh, and he lays the lies on SO thick. But once free agency or a trade deadline comes along, Johnny Damon starts crying. He cries like a 25-year-old recent law school grad who just watched the finale to The Bachelorette. "Boo hoo!" Johnny Damon tells the press. "This team isn't committed to me! Boo hoo!"

And if you aren't familiar with Johnny Damon's schtick, you probably think to yourself "Why isn't my team committed to him?! Johnny Damon wants to do great things with this team! Johnny Damon is going to WIN A WORLD SERIES with this team!" And then about a month later find out that he's actually signed a 25 gajillion dollar contract with a team that you hate. What's even worse, when Johnny Damon comes back to play his former team, he starts crying again.

"Boo hoo!" Johnny Damon tells the press in your hometown. "I wanted to stay here! This team wasn't committed to me! They forced me out! Boo hoo!" Which is baloney. And I don't know about you, but when Johnny Damon trash talks my beloved team (yes, the Royals), I get mad. Apparently, everyone else in my section of the stadium gets mad, too, because we all boo to our little hearts' content whenever he comes back to Kauffman.

I know that Major League Baseball is ultimately a business, and I don't expect players to stay with one team forever. But shoot, don't lie about why you're leaving a team. I mean, kids watch the game. And if you lie to a kid, you're a bad, bad person.

In fact, you're worse than a shark.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Spark Week: This bag of chips

This is a bag of chips. It is sitting in my kitchen.

The bag is shiny. The chips are tasty. Sharks are neither shiny nor tasty. Based on these facts, I think that this bag of chips is more interesting than any shark.

In fact, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that this bag of chips is more dangerous than a shark. You see, Frito Lay has decided to lure us all into thinking that we're getting a healthy little treat when we eat these chips because the chips contain "all natural oil."

However, after closer inspection of the ingredients, we see that one of the first ingredients listed on the bag is "Monosodium Glutamate."

According to the Mayo Clinic, monosodium glutamate has been known to cause headaches, nausea, chest pain, and weakness. According to the internet, monosodium glutamate also causes cancer, aggravates your asthma, makes your phone send text messages to your ex that you swear you didn't send, and you'll probably burst into flames if you stare into the sun after consumption.

These things scare me far more than a shark.

"But [Glutton for Punishment]!" you say. "Sharks are killing machines! They will eat your legs! They will eat your babies! They will FIND YOU IN YOUR SLEEP because they HATE YOU because you chose not to watch Shark Week and I HOPE THEY FIND YOU, YOU TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING." But because I don't plan to swim under water and shove a camera in ol' Sharky McGee's face any time in the near future, I think can rest pretty easy tonight.

Now, don't let the fact that I'm not taunting a shark make you think that I'm a wimp. No, I prefer to live dangerously. In fact, I think I'm going to eat some chips right now, monosodium glutamate and all. Take that, Shark Week.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Spark Week: The Black Crowes

The Black Crowes are a southern rock band hailing from Atlanta, Georgia. They have had no cultural relevance since 1992. Their biggest hit was a cover song. However, The Black Crowes on their most boring day are infinitely more interesting than a shark.

Let's get things started by meeting the current members of the band:

Chris Robinson, vocals: Remember that period of time when Kate Hudson always brought a really ugly dude with a scruffy beard to the red carpet? This is that guy. They were married for a while, and now they're not. We can ignore that dark period, though, because Chris Robinson has the voice of an angel. An angel that tokes up a lot, but an angel, nonetheless.

Sven Pipien, bass: Good bass player. Good backup vocalist. Good job, Sven.

Rich Robinson, rhythm guitar: Rich Robinson does not smile. I've seen two Crowes shows, and the entire time, Rich just blankly stares into the audience. I think it's because he's thinking to himself "I wonder where the nearest Denny's is," throughout the show and planning out the quickest route in his mind. But maybe he's just super deep. I don't really know.

Steve Gorman, drums:  Sometimes he has a scruffy beard. When he doesn't, you sing to yourself "One of these things is not like the other," when you see him on stage.

Adam MacDougall, keyboards: He's a recent addition to the band, and most diehard Crowes fans can't stand the guy because they think he botches the keyboard solo in Wiser Time.  I should feel sorry for the guy, because a lot of hatred gets thrown his way. But I don't, because his Wiser Time solo really is that bad.

"Magical rotating lead guitar player," lead guitar: Count the number of times I thought about dropping out of law school, double it, and that's the number of lead guitarists The Black Crowes have gone through during the last 20 years. However, I think the current lead, Luther Dickinson, is super delicious. And he SMILED AT ME one time. I was sitting second row at a concert, and I yelled "We love you, Luther!" and he looked at me for a good FIVE seconds and smiled. I was smitten.


Anyway, I went to my first Crowes concert back when I was still writing this blog anonymously, and it changed my life. It sure as heck was a lot better than Shark Week. All sharks can do is swim around in salt water and then bite you when they're feeling mean. The Black Crowes can give you a mind blowing musical experience that will take you on highs and lows throughout the entire set and leave you buzzing for days. For the record, I am sober and I am not a hippie.

So, for those of you who need something to watch other than Shark Week (and I know you do), The Black Crowes will be on television several times this week, heck yes they will. They're on Leno tonight (ew) and Kimmel tomorrow. Apparently, they'll be on PBS, too, but I'm supposed to "check my local listings" to figure out when that's on.  This is all because they've released a new album this week, which I highly recommend you purchase. Even better, you should purchase tickets to their farewell tour, which starts on August 13.

I'm not telling you all this because I'm getting a cut of the band's profits. I'm telling you this because everyone deserves to have some good music in their lives. And more importantly, everyone deserves an alternative to a boring ol' shark.

With that, I leave you with one of my favorite performances of all time:

Monday, August 2, 2010

Spark Week!

If you've surfed facebook or twitter this week, you've probably read about 27 updates that look a little somethin' like this: 

Hey, guess what! It's SHARK WEEK! OMG SHARK WEEK! This might be the best thing that EVER happened to me and I think I might have to CALL MY MOM because this is so AWESOME and I'm going to PEE MY PANTS I am so excited!!!

Despite all of these incredibly informative updates, I really couldn't tell you what Shark Week is, other than 1) it's on TV and 2) it involves sharks.  And while I'm very happy that you've found such joy in your life... I don't care about sharks. And I probably never will care, unless one of them happens to bite me on the leg.

Anyway, I told my friends how little I cared about shark week, and a few of them suggested that I make a blog post called "SPARK WEEK." This idea thoroughly amuses me, so here is what I am going to do:

Every day this week, I am going to make a post dedicated to something that I care about more than Shark Week. And I'm going to have a lot of fun with this, because this means that I pretty much get to write about anything that exists in the universe. 

I guess this means I'd better get to brainstormin'. Oh, what to write about first...

EDIT: The "every day this week" starts tomorrow. I'm too busy bawling my eyes out over The Bachelorette finale.